No More Mr Nice Guy

Nothing puts our noses more out of joint here at Evil UnLtd than to discover there are those out there more evil than us. Not to mention circumstances beyond our control. We are firm believers that nothing has any business being beyond our control.

So, it pains us to use the phrase now…

Owing to circumstances beyond our control, we have been obliged to end our long-standing custom of donating 100% proceeds from Evil UnLtd books to charity.

We are somewhat stubborn and pig-headed, however, and rather than end our charitable giving altogether, we have reduced the percentage of royalties that will be donated. Hence, until further notice 20% of royalties from the Evil UnLtd series of books (ebook and paperback) will go to Cancer Research UK.

Evil UnLtd Vol 1: The Root Of All Evil (Kindle)

Evil UnLtd Vol 2: From Evil With Love (Kindle)

Evil UnLtd Vol 3: Evil UTD (Kindle)

Evil UnLtd Vol 4: Tempus Sinister (Kindle)

We don’t really do apologies, being Evil, but the author of the books is sorry. In fact, I understand he is rather upset about the whole business and is committed to making this only a temporary reduction if possible. Which is why I have been asked to write this announcement.

Frankly, for my part, I have no idea what we were doing contributing to a charity in the first place.

Mine all mine, most sincerely

Dexter Snide.

Happy Towel Day 2013

Sass that hoopy Ford Prefect, there’s a frood who really knew where his towel is.

He also used to like carrying a book around with him. Obviously we can’t match The Hitch-Hikers Guide for sheer helpfulness or the comforting words of ‘DON’T PANIC’ on the back, but we can at least offer a volume as absorbing as any towel!

EVIL UNLTD VOL 3

EVIL UTD

Released today on Amazon UK and Amazon US

The Farce Of The Dark Side.

 

Villains are the new Heroes in this epic Sci-Fi series.

War! What is it good for? A great many things, according to Dexter Snide. But the current interstellar conflict threatens to divert public attention from his plans to plunge the universe into economic ruin.

To make matters worse, rival broadcaster the PHUX Corporation, has exclusive coverage rights for the war between the ultra-bureaucratic System and the cute but belligerent Bunnymen. The ratings war is on.

Sentient planet Alphaterre Metroplaisir – or Alph to his friends – faces devastation and an end to his cheerful theme-park ambience as his capital city is torn apart by Evil’s latest TV phenomenon,The Minion Factor. Alph turns to PHUX for help and, in a primetime advertising slot, the call goes out for heroes.

Even with a war on and heroes in short supply, there are some who will always find time to tackle Evil UnLtd. Especially those with old personal scores to settle.

Once they’re done with the System, the Bunnymen are coming for Evil UnLtd too.

The odds are stacked and the Evil gang need to be more united than ever.

A tall order, when they are divided and scattered. And perhaps the most serious threats of all come from within…

Other ebook formats will follow, plus a paperback for those who prefer a bit of hard copy.

As part of our ongoing Evil vs Cancer campaign, we will be donating *100%* of royalties from all Evil UnLtd books to Cancer Research UK. Thanks to all those who’ve lent their support so far.

Live long and prosper. And purchase.

And don’t forget your towel!

EVIL UTD is available from Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

SAF 2013

IMPORTANT UPDATE: In light of yesterday’s sad news about author Iain Banks, we’ll be donating a full 100% of royalties on all Evil UnLtd books for another year. Watch out for  a full post on this later.

Evil Movie Database

(Click on the images for larger views)

SAF 2012

Title Sequence

Not all books have such lavish opening title sequences. This is an excerpt from Evil UnLtd Vol 2: From Evil With Love

Through thrashing white water, we descend into swirling blue. Rays of light slant down to play among the bubbles and fluid shadows. Shadows transform: the slender silhouette of a naked woman emerges to dance in the light. Others rise from the depths to swim, almost shark-like, around her. We dive slowly into the midst of their circling naked forms.

An elegant silver gun juts in from the left, one beautifully manicured finger closes around the trigger and sends a bullet streaking across the oily maelstrom of silhouettes.

Sparks ignite and in the explosion of flame, the women are now fiery sirens. They dance, they somersault, they act out some fairly amateur martial arts. If you watch too closely, one of them can be seen to fall over.

Mostly they twist and turn gracefully, rising in a seductive fiery spiral. Above us, sunlight ripples on the surface.

Suddenly, a flotilla of speedboats spears past overhead, painting a screen of churning white in which the burning sirens die, fatally extinguished.

But no, we break through the white, rising into sky blue, bringing the dancing figures with us as curvaceous, vaporous hotties. Babes of cloud, cumulo nymphus, they take to the air, flexing sinuously as – suddenly – sleek fighter jets weave their way between them, looping them with vapour-trail ribbons as they engage in a deadly, balletic dogfight.

Some of the cloud-babes swoop in on the lead plane, settling to dance on the wings as it arcs through the sky, a brace of heat seeker missiles streaking hotly after it.

A phone rings.

Templar hit pause on the remote and turned up the lights. Every bloody time, without fail.

“Templar. Salmon Templar.”

“Templar. We have a situation. Get your tailfin to HQ ASAP.”

“What’s the situation, sir?”

“Are you alone? Need I ask?”

“No, sir, but I soon can be.” Templar looked over to the couch where the deluscious Bunny was peeping over the back with her tousled hair and come-back-hither eyes. “Sorry. Something’s come up.”

“It’s what I was hoping.”

She had succumbed to his charms pretty quickly. They always did. “No,” he told her, gesturing with the phone. “Time you skedaddled.”

She pouted. “Really?” She jerked a thumb at the screen. “That’s all you wanted me for? To film me in silhouette and drop me into some fancy graphics?”

“It’s a hobby.”

“You’re weird.”

“I get that a lot.”

Shaking her head, she hopped off the couch and disappeared to the studio to collect her things. Templar watched her cute butt receding, barely cloaked by the short robe.

“All clear, sir. What’s up?”

“Evil, Templar. Evil Unlimited.”

One Week Later…

Dexter. Knucks. Tanith. Ferret. Doomy. They all huddled together, frightened, bewildered, terrified. Ferret was bleating more than usual, but not for long.

A wave of blinding flame ripped through the ship, wiping the horrified, disbelieving expressions off their faces – and wiping their faces off the existential blackboard.

SAF 2012

Make Your Own Hatchling!

The Hatchling is perhaps the shyest member of Evil UnLtd, only venturing outside his egg in times of direst need. But even inside his shell, he knows he has fans and so has given us permission to construct an idol in his image – out of marzipan. It was a momentous undertaking, fraught with challenges and difficulties, but one filled with celebration at every turn as the edifice took shape – much like the raising of the Amish barn in Witness.

For those of you who wish to experience this joy of creation, we have documented the process here. Enjoy!

Warning: this does involve sharp instruments and possibly dangerous spiking of blood sugar levels, so please ask a grown-up to assist.

You Will Need:

1. One copy of Evil UnLtd: The Root Of All Evil available for Kindle from Amazon.Co.Uk and Amazon.Com. If you don’t have a Kindle, don’t worry, you can download the Kindle software for FREE to enjoy the book on your PC, Mac, iPhone, iPad, Blackberry, Android, Chip Butty, Lava Lamp or blow-up doll.

2. Half a block of marzipan. You can use the white marzipan, but the yellow will save you some time in the painting stage.

3. Food colouring. Red and Yellow.

4. Cake decorating pen. Black.

5. Flaked almonds.

6. Knife.

7. Preparation board.

8. A strong source of Brownian motion, like a hot cup of tea, for example.

8. Somewhere else to put the cats. Note, it is possible to do without this, but we strongly recommend it, having our efforts thwarted on several occasions by an intruding feline muzzle or the swipe of a paw.

Step One

Cut your marzipan into several smaller blocks, one each for Body, Legs, Arms, Head, Tail. You’ll want the Body to be nice and large, so use about half of your marzipan on that, and divide up the rest proportionately, roughly equivalent to the sizes shown in the photo.

Step Two

Mould the different blocks into their relevant shapes. The Body should be nice and round. (Some would say ‘fat’, but on the off-chance the Hatchling is sensitive about his weight, we elect to be more complimentary.) The Legs – divide the block into two for these (the Hatchling is not deficient in the leg department) – should be chunky and somewhat elephantine. The Tail should be good and thick and long, tapering to one end. The Arms – and again the block should be divided into two equal portions – should be substantial too and of course when shaping the digits, take care when placing the thumbs that they will reflect the appropriate right-left configurations. The Head should be small and slightly flattened, tapering to a muzzle but still substantial enough to avoid actual cuteness.

See the photo for a guide.

Step Three

Piecing the Hatchling together. This is the scary Frankenstein part, so it’s okay to be a little nervous. A steady hand will see you through and for this the occasional sip of your strong source of Brownian motion is recommended.

We attached the Legs first. The exact order is up to you. Ideally the Arms should be affixed some way back and above the shoulders, to make them secure and bulk out the upper Body. Likewise the Tail should be attached at a point just a fraction above halfway up the back of the Body, both for the right Tail length and to form a ridge along the Hatchling’s spine. The Head can then be merged with this ridge at the back with the application of any small bits of extra marzipan you happen to have at hand. (What do you mean, you’ve eaten them? Well, don’t blame us if your Hatchling looks silly.)

We’ve included a photo to illustrate what the Hatchling might look like at this stage. If nudity offends, please look away now.

Step Four

Colouring. A simple delicate touch or several with the cake decorating pen should take care of those coal-black eyes – one either side of the Head for ideal results. Then you’ll want to give him a nice not-quite-all-over coat of Orange. We used a mix of Yellow and Red, favouring the Yellow. Leave most of his belly uncoloured, or if using white marzipan, you’ll want to paint it Yellow first probably. Allow the colour to dry a little before moving onto the Red, which you’ll be needing to apply in rough sort of stripes. The longer you leave the Orange to dry, the better the contrast with the Red, we suspect. Don’t be too neat and if the Red happens to bleed over a bit, so much the better.

Step Five

Spines. Think Stegosaurus here as you deftly stick flaked almonds into the Hatchling’s back like a nutty Brutus and his cronies repeatedly stabbing a reptilian Caesar – although possibly with less force. You’ll want plenty of each flake to protrude and arrange them in a crude sort of double row all the way down to the end of the tail, selecting the smaller flakes for the top of the head.

Step Six

Stand back and admire your handiwork. Your work is done.

Remember, a Hatchling is not just for Christmas. If you’re careful and you can run fast, you may last until New Year.

This product and its manufacturer may contain nuts.

SAF