Evil UnLtd Charity Christmas Single

Feed The World


It’s Christmastime,
And it’s time to be afraid
At Christmastime,
We like to fight and we might invade
And on your world of plenty
We can try our latest ploy
Selling arms around the world
at Christmastime

Best say a prayer,
Pray you don’t get the flu!
This Christmastime we’ve tried
To bring you something new!
Take a look outside your window,
And it’s a world of dread and fear
Where a giant goat is looming
in the upper atmosphere
And as you sit and wolf down mince pies
Our pet monster likes them too
But tonight as you eat them
It’s eating you

And they’ll all be safe in Africa this Christmastime
The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life (Oooh)
It’s one place we all know
No aliens will go
Well in the movies it’s un-us-u-al

Here’s to us raise a glass for our efforts!
Here’s to us, we’re Evil Un-Limited!
We’re the ones who did this to you all!

Feed the world
(To the planet-eating beast)
Feed the world
(To the mutant stargoat beast)
Feed the world
To the beast we have unleashed on Earth

Feed the world
To the beast we unleashed for our mirth


(Repeat until you’ve run out of celebrities, making sure to shoot at least one between each chorus.)


All proceeds go to an Evil cause. UK residents can donate here.

US and others can donate here.

Alternatively anyone of any nationality can donate through Smashwords.



N.B. Mutant stargoat appears as an homage to Douglas Adams and does not feature in the Evil UnLtd universe. Also he appears with hair extensions and his eyelashes were enhanced in post production. Any resemblance between the goat and Cheryl Cole, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Twelve Days Of Christmas #12

On the Twelfth Day Of Christmas, Evil gave to me…

Twelve More Mins Reading!

Well, probably a bit more than that, but alas we have reached the culmination of our Twelve Days Of Christmas Evil journey, so I leave you for now with this festive tale full of warmth and goodwill to all men.

No, wait that’s just goodwill to Dexter Snide and his colleagues.

But shhh, don’t tell Evil UnLtd I said so, but, um…

Have a Happy Christmas. 🙂


Twelve Days Of Christmas Evil #11

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas, Evil gave to me…

Eleven Evil Extras!

For a limited time only, Evil Nuggets, a supplementary collection of Extras – including a special preview of Evil UnLtd Volume 2 is available on Amazon .co.uk and Amazon .com for the Kindle.

Fun-sized nuggets coated in some unidentifiable substance but I guess we’d best call them breadcrumbs, according to the Hatchling’s secret recipe. Cheap as chips. Enjoy!


Twelve Days Of Christmas #10

On the Tenth Day Of Christmas, Evil Gave To Me…

Ten Ebook Coupons!

That’s right. We’re offering ten FREE coupons for a FREE copy of the Evil UnLtd Vol 1 Special Edition (with its host of Extras!) available over on Smashwords for a wide range of ebook readers and/or PC or pretty much anything short of your bedroom ceiling (for which, get a projector, why not). I think I should throw in the word FREE just to round things off.

But, what’s the catch, Mr Snide, I hear you ask? What possible Evil do you wish us to perpetrate in return for this boon?

Nothing. Zip. Nada. Squat. Diddly. Zilch. Zero. Bupkis. You get the picture.

I mean, if you like what you read then we’d love it if you’d post a review on Amazon or on your blog or wherever and tell us about it, but you’re under no obligation. We’d love to hear your thoughts. (And while Prof Doomladen is still working on his telepathic-audio converter, it’s some way off completion. He can pick up some of his own thoughts that he’d believed previously lost and wandering alone in the darkest recesses of his vast mind, but so far we’re not in a position to eavesdrop on anyone else’s brains. Give it time.)

So, if you’d like one of ten free copies of Evil UnLtd Vol 1: The Root Of All Evil. (Special Edition) all you have to do is send me your Evil laugh on Twitter (@prefect4d) or by email (available under Contact on my website www.simonforward.co.uk) or by commenting here at some point today (15th December 2011). We’ll make the closing time midnight (GMT).

First ten tweeters/emailers, first ten copies. Simples, like the meerkat says. If on Twitter, I don’t already follow you, I’ll then do so – and if you don’t much mind, go ahead and follow me, at least long enough so we can exchange Direct Messages and you can receive your coupon.

Happy (FREE) reading!


Twelve Days Of Christmas #9

On the Ninth Day Of Christmas, Evil gave to me…

Nine Dexterous Smiles.

For such a miserable, utterly Evil bastard, Dexter Snide smiles quite a lot really. Of course, like a weapon it’s in the way that he wields it and his delivery of this expression is one of the simplest ways in which he is characterised. So for fun I thought we could collect together a handful of his best smiles in the interests of discovering what they might tell us about the man…


Sporting a smile you could grate cheese on, he stamped on the intruder’s hand. Hard.


He rewarded them all with a smile so thin it barely manifested itself in more than one dimension.


Dexter concocted a smile that would put paid to the manager’s newfound spirit, like a vet about to put down a family pet, but with none of the sympathetic overtures.


Dexter forced a smile, like he was forcing a brick through a pasta maker.


“Ah, revenge.” Now, there was something Dexter could understand. He smiled the way some people smile when remembering a favourite pudding.


Dexter erected a smile like a firewall. “What would you like to know?”


Dexter turned his head and favoured her with a smile like one of the quality butter substitutes – spreadable when cold and melts away just as easily.


Dexter gave a smile thin enough to give his enemies paper cuts.


Dexter cracked a smile and it curled like a dead autumn leaf.

Hmm, I don’t know about you, but the only conclusion I can draw from that is that he’s a real charmer.

If you wish to sample more of the man’s surgical smiles, then please check out Evil UnLtd Vol 1: The Root Of All Evil available on Kindle via Amazon .com or .co.uk, or the Special Edition, with a host of Extras, available for a wide range of e-readers from smashwords. Remember also if you don’t happen to have a Kindle or a dedicated e-reader, you can download the Kindle software for FREE for your PC, Mac, iPhone, iPad, Blackberry or Android.

Don’t forget that we also offer a FREE E-Shirt with every purchase!

Enjoy. And see if Evil can’t give you something to smile about this Christmas. 🙂


Twelve Days Of Christmas Evil #8

On the Eighth Day Of Christmas, Evil gave to me…

Eight Colour Portraits!

Eight all-new colour portraits of characters from Evil UnLtd Vol 1: The Root Of All Evil.

Dexter Snide

Mr Knucks

Mr Ferret

Prof Doomladen

Tanith Troy

The Hatchling

Evil Robot

Rolph Stengun


Twelve Days Of Christmas Evil #7

On The Seventh Day Of Christmas, Evil Gave To Me…

Seven Mini Profiles!

Brief character profiles for the main characters.

Dexter Snide

A born misanthropic megalomaniac, who sneers at and scorns so-called civilised society, constantly dissecting it with his surgical wit; his inherent nature was nurtured and refined in his early years on one of the very Dickensian Educatory Reform Habitoids. This same nature was further compounded by the frustration and rejection he experienced in his adolescent quest to become an intergalactic rock star. Since fully matured into a consummate snob, he has left such pathetic aspirations behind him, holds beauty in utter contempt and rates nihilism extremely highly.

Cool, slick and sexy, he values himself for his intellect more than his looks and impeccable fashion sense and is never fully satisfied until a scheme of his has acquired a requisite minimum of complicated layers. He labours under the conviction that a plan simple enough for his band of villains to work out will never stand a chance of success.

So supremely malevolent and cunning is Dexter Snide, that he has succeeded in floating Evil on the intergalactic stock market. Evil has always been a promising commodity throughout history, and now all he needs to do is ensure that it maintains consistent profit margins to satisfy his shareholders. Dexter himself is the majority shareholder of course.

Superior, sophisticated, eloquent and elegant, Mr Snide is all these things and much more. But then, he has to be, since it will take a remarkable character indeed to fulfil a destiny such as his: i.e. becoming supreme master of all the universe. At least, that’s one of his goals.

Mr Knucks

Mr Knucks is not just your average thug. He’s a thug with cybernetic arms. Which makes him stronger than most and additionally handy in less usual scrapes in that his arms are fully detachable and he can operate them independent of their actual attachment to his shoulders.

His shoulders are a good deal broader than his intellect, it must be said, but he’s not altogether thick. In fact, he can boast a degree in Cybernetics for a start, and he’s constantly trying to improve his brain power as a means of breaking the unfortunate thug stereotype with which his size lumbered him from an early age.

He has a confident swagger and a ready wit to meet any situation, although it is not quite as well-honed a wit as Mr Snide’s. But then, Mr Knucks is very much a working class criminal and would fancy himself as something of a champion of the lower classes, were it not for the fact that he thieves exclusively for himself. This selfishness he attributes to a keen social conscience, which doesn’t permit him to involve others in his criminal activities against their will.

Mr Knucks is, in effect, an educated bouncer with a taste for thieving. He also has an unfortunate gambling addiction. Which explains how he lost his arms…

Mr Ferret

Mr Ferret may sound like a rejected character from Wind in the Willows, but there is very little he doesn’t know about pain. In fact, despite a slightly squeamish nature which he doesn’t like to broadcast too widely, he has made a lifetime study of pain and torture.

It has all been part of his ongoing endeavour to be more bad. An aim hampered by his harmless boyish features and a slightly camp, effeminate air that ideally he wouldn’t have chosen if he’d known the career he was going to take up. Still, he hadn’t much choice as far as that goes: villainy runs in his family. His father was a villain, his father before him was a villain, and so was his father before him. His great, great grandfather was in fashion retail. But his father was a villain and his father was a villain before him.

As such, Mr Ferret is the last in a long line of villains, and has a reputation to live up to. If pressed, he will confess that he doesn’t exactly care for many aspects of his job, but he is doing his best to look the part.

Professor Doomladen

The Woody Allen of the intergalactic underworld (or the Underverse, as it should technically be known). Ernest Doomladen chose his name because he felt it fitted his personality. That is to say, he is very much aware of his own misery and suffers an intense frustration, some might call it paranoia, that none of his Machiavellian brainchildren have flourished. In fact, despite being a scientific genius, he has sadly never had a brainchild get past puberty. It’s why he feels he can best make a go of it with Mr Snide’s outfit; although he’s not too optimistic. But that’s nothing new.

Doomladen is pronounced as if it were a Scandinavian surname (Dume – leyden) and also reflects his claim to Nordic, nay, Viking ancestry. This, despite his moderate stature and rather willowy complexion. Willowy? No, make that grey. The colour goes very well with his hunched shoulders.

He’s something of a reluctant villain and has been thinking for some time that he should get out of the business, but he doesn’t feel he has the adequate skills or training for an alternative career. Besides which he  knows he was constantly spurned and mocked by the scientific community; so, as a veteran and inveterate tinkerer, he knows his role within Evil UnLtd will afford him every opportunity to put the machine into machination.

Meanwhile, he can still peruse the situations vacant columns on local newsgroups and wonder what he might be happier doing. If anything.

Evil Robot

Evil Robot has no other name or designation. Evil Robot is an enigma, a dark and powerful armour-clad enigma, brimming with a lot of hatred and big guns. Along with all the firepower, Evil Robot comes equipped with a multitude of handy appendages for all manner of eventualities.

Still, despite his indispensable skills, he is not much of a talker. In fact, he can only communicate in any intelligible form when he taps into a computer and puts a translation up on the screen in a form that the Flesh Things can understand. And that’s not something he does very often, because he is a very taciturn fellow.

Perhaps understandably, since no-one really knows what goes on in that nanotronic brain of his. All they do know is that he is the sole surviving member of a race of evil robots who were, once upon a time, bent on the destruction and domination of the entire universe. Apparently something went wrong.

Evil Robot has in fact hooked up with Mr Snide’s band of villains in the hope that this venture will provide a platform from which he can re-launch the old campaign which has, by his own reckoning of the tactical situation, suffered a disagreeable setback. In other words, his entire race was wiped out.

All the same, he is proud of his glorious heritage and he nurtures dark electronic visions of new conquests and his race’s return to universal supremacy. And he absolutely refuses to stoop to manual chores.

The Hatchling

The Hatchling is a sinister, powerful blast-cannon-toting behemoth, a veritable tower of ferocious strength from a war-hungry race of life-hating aliens. The origins of his species are shrouded in mystery and, quite often, a sticky albumen-like substance.

Of course, this is because he, like the rest of his race, spends much of his life as an embryo, hibernating in his egg. But that’s not to say he’s ever in a good mood when he experiences his rebirths and hatches out of his shell.

Fact is, whatever goes on in that egg of his, he’s always in the foulest temper when he hatches and that’s why his fellows are keen not to rouse him if they can possibly avoid it, only calling on the Hatchling in times of direst necessity.

The Hatchling, when in his egg, is somewhat aware of events around him but generally refrains from comment unless pushed. And even in his egg, he is easily provoked. When hatched, he grows very quickly to a height of about eight foot and is a bulky Stegasaur of a creature, who quickly evolves the use of energy weapons and he’s ready to go. At each hatching he evolves some new nubbin or other; the express purpose of which is not always clear but shows evolution has not been idle while he’s been back in his egg.

He has one of the largest brain-pans of any creature in the galaxy. Unfortunately, just like the Stegasaurus, it is in his butt.

Tanith Troy

Adventurous and independent, temperamental and exquisitely self-centred. The daughter of a couple of megabillionaires, she is essentially a spoilt little starlet, who wanted daddy to buy her way into the movies. Before her acting career could really get off the ground though, events took an unexpected turn and now, with a bad girl attitude developed and honed to perfection in her role as Dynamite Jones in the notorious movie series of the same name, she finds the temptation of a walk on the wild side simply irresistible.

Sexy and seductive, she has a charisma that is positively smoking, a kind of empathic charm over males in general, and she is all too aware of her powers. She is incredibly assertive and self-willed, and makes camels and mules look like the most pliant even-tempered creatures in existence.

She can act like the model lady, but has a wicked streak which, once given rein, no man is able to curb. She thoroughly enjoys pulling people’s strings and watching the results. She looks after herself and takes so much looking after that she scarcely has any time left to regard the needs and concerns of others.

As such, she doesn’t take foolish risks which endanger herself, but will make certain she gets away with as much as she possibly can. Those around her had best consider themselves collateral damage.


Twelve Days Of Christmas Evil #6

On the Sixth Day Of Christmas, Evil gave to me…


Six Minutes’ Reading!


The first instalment of Evilnory, featuring celebrity guest reader Stephen Hawking.



Make sure you’re sitting comfortably, then hit play! Enjoy!


Twelve Days Of Christmas Evil #5

On the Fifth Day Of Christmas, Evil Gave To Me…


Five Gift Ideas!


True that the Evil UnLtd gang are not always disposed towards giving. But in this time of festive cheer, what better excuse for spreading their special brand of malign merchandise to all and sundry.

And whether you’re shopping for friends or enemies or just yourself, they’re sure to have something that takes your fancy…

Professor Doomladen recommends:

Um, a brand new fragrance.


Induce amnesia in those around you and you can pass unnoticed through a crowded room. Inspired by Professor Doomladen’s own early experiences of trying to find a date.

Mr Knucks recommends:

His Special Christmas Hamper.

With this selection of firearms, explosive crackers and shiny ball hand grenades, you’ll easily hamper anyone this Christmas!

Dexter Snide recommends:

The fantastic Intendo EVL

With its unique Spirit-Capture Cam, you’ll be able to neurally slave your victims to the device and guide them through all manner of dangerous action situations from the comfort of your own sofa. Download all kinds of plans for banks, military bases and top secret government facilities and as you guide your character through the virtual setting, you can be sure your chosen patsy is emulating every movement in the real world and doing your job for you.

Mr Ferret recommends:

The new Nuke Epil.

Guaranteed to make you the most gorgeous star at the party with this low level rad emission epilator, sure to trigger alopecia in everyone within a ten metre radius while you retain a fabulous head of hair.

Tanith Troy recommends:

The Tanith Troy Calendar 2011

Her most revealing photo shoot yet! With the miracle of micromolecular reduction technology and the aid of a small submarine, prestigious glamour photographer, Hemlin Spackleschulz, manages to get the most dramatic interiors of his subject. Just take a look at the shot for July:

Happy Shopping!


And Happy Christmas from the Evil UnLtd crew. Mwahahaha.



Twelve Days Of Christmas Evil #4

On the Fourth Day Of Christmas, Evil gave to me…

4dprefect singing.

Er, after a crude fashion. Yes, folks, the video exclusive of Kindle In The Wind. Lyrics can be found here if you feel the urge to sing along.

I know, it’s a crime against music. What can we say? We’re Evil.


  • Vol 1 – Kindle (UK)

  • Vol 2 – Kindle (UK)

  • Vol 3 – Kindle (UK)

  • Vol 4 – Kindle (UK)

  • Signed Paperbacks

    Signed Copies Direct From The Author