Make Your Own Hatchling!

The Hatchling is perhaps the shyest member of Evil UnLtd, only venturing outside his egg in times of direst need. But even inside his shell, he knows he has fans and so has given us permission to construct an idol in his image – out of marzipan. It was a momentous undertaking, fraught with challenges and difficulties, but one filled with celebration at every turn as the edifice took shape – much like the raising of the Amish barn in Witness.

For those of you who wish to experience this joy of creation, we have documented the process here. Enjoy!

Warning: this does involve sharp instruments and possibly dangerous spiking of blood sugar levels, so please ask a grown-up to assist.

You Will Need:

1. One copy of Evil UnLtd: The Root Of All Evil available for Kindle from Amazon.Co.Uk and Amazon.Com. If you don’t have a Kindle, don’t worry, you can download the Kindle software for FREE to enjoy the book on your PC, Mac, iPhone, iPad, Blackberry, Android, Chip Butty, Lava Lamp or blow-up doll.

2. Half a block of marzipan. You can use the white marzipan, but the yellow will save you some time in the painting stage.

3. Food colouring. Red and Yellow.

4. Cake decorating pen. Black.

5. Flaked almonds.

6. Knife.

7. Preparation board.

8. A strong source of Brownian motion, like a hot cup of tea, for example.

8. Somewhere else to put the cats. Note, it is possible to do without this, but we strongly recommend it, having our efforts thwarted on several occasions by an intruding feline muzzle or the swipe of a paw.

Step One

Cut your marzipan into several smaller blocks, one each for Body, Legs, Arms, Head, Tail. You’ll want the Body to be nice and large, so use about half of your marzipan on that, and divide up the rest proportionately, roughly equivalent to the sizes shown in the photo.

Step Two

Mould the different blocks into their relevant shapes. The Body should be nice and round. (Some would say ‘fat’, but on the off-chance the Hatchling is sensitive about his weight, we elect to be more complimentary.) The Legs – divide the block into two for these (the Hatchling is not deficient in the leg department) – should be chunky and somewhat elephantine. The Tail should be good and thick and long, tapering to one end. The Arms – and again the block should be divided into two equal portions – should be substantial too and of course when shaping the digits, take care when placing the thumbs that they will reflect the appropriate right-left configurations. The Head should be small and slightly flattened, tapering to a muzzle but still substantial enough to avoid actual cuteness.

See the photo for a guide.

Step Three

Piecing the Hatchling together. This is the scary Frankenstein part, so it’s okay to be a little nervous. A steady hand will see you through and for this the occasional sip of your strong source of Brownian motion is recommended.

We attached the Legs first. The exact order is up to you. Ideally the Arms should be affixed some way back and above the shoulders, to make them secure and bulk out the upper Body. Likewise the Tail should be attached at a point just a fraction above halfway up the back of the Body, both for the right Tail length and to form a ridge along the Hatchling’s spine. The Head can then be merged with this ridge at the back with the application of any small bits of extra marzipan you happen to have at hand. (What do you mean, you’ve eaten them? Well, don’t blame us if your Hatchling looks silly.)

We’ve included a photo to illustrate what the Hatchling might look like at this stage. If nudity offends, please look away now.

Step Four

Colouring. A simple delicate touch or several with the cake decorating pen should take care of those coal-black eyes – one either side of the Head for ideal results. Then you’ll want to give him a nice not-quite-all-over coat of Orange. We used a mix of Yellow and Red, favouring the Yellow. Leave most of his belly uncoloured, or if using white marzipan, you’ll want to paint it Yellow first probably. Allow the colour to dry a little before moving onto the Red, which you’ll be needing to apply in rough sort of stripes. The longer you leave the Orange to dry, the better the contrast with the Red, we suspect. Don’t be too neat and if the Red happens to bleed over a bit, so much the better.

Step Five

Spines. Think Stegosaurus here as you deftly stick flaked almonds into the Hatchling’s back like a nutty Brutus and his cronies repeatedly stabbing a reptilian Caesar – although possibly with less force. You’ll want plenty of each flake to protrude and arrange them in a crude sort of double row all the way down to the end of the tail, selecting the smaller flakes for the top of the head.

Step Six

Stand back and admire your handiwork. Your work is done.

Remember, a Hatchling is not just for Christmas. If you’re careful and you can run fast, you may last until New Year.

This product and its manufacturer may contain nuts.

SAF

FREE E-SHIRT!

Yes! Introducing a brand new concept in electronic casual wear:

The E-Shirt! (TM)

And if the sheer innovation wasn’t enough, we are giving away this first example of its kind absolutely FREE!

We here at Evil UnLtd wrestled for minutes with how to offer free gifts with an ebook and now, like Dyson and his balls and powerful suction, we are proud to be able to say we have solved the problem.

Your E-Shirt(TM) is available to download right now – right here:

Instructions for downloading your FREE E-Shirt.

1.    Purchase a copy of Evil UnLtd, available on Amazon Kindle – from their US store or the UK site. And if you don’t have a Kindle, don’t worry, you can download the Kindle software for FREE for your PC, Mac, iPad, iPhone, Blackberry, Android, Kettle or Iguana. As an alternative you can now download a Special Edition – with a host of extras – from smashwords – for all other ebook formats.

2.    Right click on the above image.

3.    Select Save Image As… from the menu.

4.    Save the image to your Desktop. You can even rename it if you wish, this will not affect the quality of the item in any way.

5.    And you’re good! It’s as simple as that. Your desktop will be able to maintain the E-Shirt(TM)’s unique digital construct wherever you go, as long as you stay within reach of a reliable Wi-Fi signal. It’s recommended you wear some other light clothing on your upper body, in case of signal failure, but the choice is yours. Other than that, strut freely about with pride and let others bask in your coolness.

Note: E-Shirts downloaded without a purchase of Evil UnLtd will result in the broadcast of a naked digital construct and, believe us, unless you are an Emperor, people will remark on your unsightly nudity. Remember: Piracy is a crime. And one we wholeheartedly endorse as long as it’s not from us.

Warning: Wearers of E-Shirts are advised not to look down as head movement can temporarily disrupt the projection field, resulting in disintegration of the image. We strongly recommend that you keep your head straight, eyes level and merely meet the gazes of all those who smile at you, quietly congratulating you on how freaking awesome you look.

Evil UnLtd are currently working on plans for a paper version of the E-Shirt(TM) to accompany printed copies of the book and we have every confidence of overcoming the logistical challenges involved. Watch this space!

SAF

The Dexter Factor

Everyone’s talking about The X Factor.

Not to be outdone, here at Evil Magazine, we thought it would be fun to catch up with the members of Evil UnLtd and, at the risk of interrupting their busy schedule of intergalactic criminal activity, quiz them on which acts were their favourites in this year’s X Factor competition.

Dexter Snide:

Must I pick one? I mean the whole sorry phenomenon is insidious trash and I couldn’t even begin to tell you how far beneath me. Of course, it’s not without its merits. I do delight in the desperation and the crushed dreams. Early on, watching the deluded no-hopers make idiots of themselves, that has a measure of entertainment value. But it only really scores points when they send home one of the genuinely talented ones. All those tears and misery, priceless. Who was that little girl? The one they called ‘adorable’. Gamu. Yes, I’d have sent forty of her home. Brilliant. Adorable? Detestable. But as for the rest, what does it matter as long as it floods the music industry with more inane ditties? You don’t even have to be a winner these days. A runner-up has just as much chance of being packaged and distributed to some pestilent tune coughed up by someone whose idea of bubblegum pop amounts to something scraped off their shoe. Ideally something insanely catchy that lodges itself permanently in millions of brains and drives half the populace up the wall. It’s to be applauded for that, but the outcome – I really couldn’t give a fig.

Evil Magazine: Go on. Please. It’s only for, you know, fun.

DS: Very well. In that case, Katie Waissel. I gather from the reports she’s a scheming, manipulative bitch, which is something to her credit, but more importantly she’s quite the public hate figure, isn’t she? Her winning could only incense the nation further, so yes, she gets my vote. Not that I’d trouble with phoning in. But I urge all of you out there, if you’ve a shred of evil in you, vote for Katie. There. Happy now?

Mr Knucks:

Aiden. That guy’s real intense. Psycho singer. All he wants is a microphone in one hand, a big-ass kitchen knife in the other. Give him a shower curtain, a splash of chocolate sauce and he’s good to go.

But Evil is many different things to different people and among its often overlooked facets we must count its chick-lit credentials.

 

Mr Ferret:


Diva Fever. I’m mortified. <Sniffs>

 

 

 

Prof Doomladen:

Oh, um, well, I guess – out of this year’s batch – I’d have to go for, ah, oh yeah, that girl band. Belle Amie. I could really make something out of them. Probably your basic femborg, nothing too challenging, but they’ve got the sort of materials I can work with. With a bit of tuning and surgically implanted MP3 players I could even get them to sing.

 

 

Evil Robot:

<Silence>

EM: (We’re not sure but we think we catch a glimpse of One Direction in his targeting scope.)

The Hatchling:

<BESTIAL GROWL>

EM: So, Wagner, then?

Tanith Troy:


Mary. The woman has an amazing voice. Plus, you know, not a whole lot going for her in the looks department. Not exactly any danger of her breaking into movies or stealing media exposure from us natural cover girls. And she’s built like a planet. It’s a short step from there to a star, isn’t it.

 

 

So there we have it. The X Factor verdict according to Evil UnLtd.

If you consider your tastes even more discerning you might wish to register your vote for Evil UnLtd by visiting

Amazon.Co.Uk

Or

Amazon.Com

Internet connection will cost nothing, but calls from neural networks and other communications interfaces much in advance of 21st century technology may cost considerably more. Note that Kindle software can be downloaded for FREE for your PC, Mac, iPhone, iPad, Blackberry or (Evil) Android, but please do obtain an adult’s permission before downloading.

 

SAF

Evil (Re)Kindled

Dedicated followers of Evil will have noticed a prolonged absence of activity around here. All being well, the stories will resume on this site before very long, but in the meantime Evil UnLtd are keen to share the results of all their plotting and planning over the past few months.

At last the first volume of their exploits is available in full, in association with Amazon Kindle:

Here at Amazon.co.uk

and

here at Amazon.com

Don’t worry if you don’t have a Kindle device. You can download the Kindle software for FREE for your PC, Mac, iPad, iPhone, Blackberry or Android phone.

Become an official minion – I mean, reader – and download a copy today! Also, spread the word, tell your friends.

Watch this space for more Evil fiction and (we hope) entertaining bits and pieces, as well as news of Evil UnLtd Vol 2, which we’re aiming to have available on Kindle this time next year. And if you’re having trouble containing your excitement, you’ll be wanting one of our official Evil UnLtd tupperware excitement containers.

 

SAF