Make Your Own Hatchling!

The Hatchling is perhaps the shyest member of Evil UnLtd, only venturing outside his egg in times of direst need. But even inside his shell, he knows he has fans and so has given us permission to construct an idol in his image – out of marzipan. It was a momentous undertaking, fraught with challenges and difficulties, but one filled with celebration at every turn as the edifice took shape – much like the raising of the Amish barn in Witness.

For those of you who wish to experience this joy of creation, we have documented the process here. Enjoy!

Warning: this does involve sharp instruments and possibly dangerous spiking of blood sugar levels, so please ask a grown-up to assist.

You Will Need:

1. One copy of Evil UnLtd: The Root Of All Evil available for Kindle from Amazon.Co.Uk and Amazon.Com. If you don’t have a Kindle, don’t worry, you can download the Kindle software for FREE to enjoy the book on your PC, Mac, iPhone, iPad, Blackberry, Android, Chip Butty, Lava Lamp or blow-up doll.

2. Half a block of marzipan. You can use the white marzipan, but the yellow will save you some time in the painting stage.

3. Food colouring. Red and Yellow.

4. Cake decorating pen. Black.

5. Flaked almonds.

6. Knife.

7. Preparation board.

8. A strong source of Brownian motion, like a hot cup of tea, for example.

8. Somewhere else to put the cats. Note, it is possible to do without this, but we strongly recommend it, having our efforts thwarted on several occasions by an intruding feline muzzle or the swipe of a paw.

Step One

Cut your marzipan into several smaller blocks, one each for Body, Legs, Arms, Head, Tail. You’ll want the Body to be nice and large, so use about half of your marzipan on that, and divide up the rest proportionately, roughly equivalent to the sizes shown in the photo.

Step Two

Mould the different blocks into their relevant shapes. The Body should be nice and round. (Some would say ‘fat’, but on the off-chance the Hatchling is sensitive about his weight, we elect to be more complimentary.) The Legs – divide the block into two for these (the Hatchling is not deficient in the leg department) – should be chunky and somewhat elephantine. The Tail should be good and thick and long, tapering to one end. The Arms – and again the block should be divided into two equal portions – should be substantial too and of course when shaping the digits, take care when placing the thumbs that they will reflect the appropriate right-left configurations. The Head should be small and slightly flattened, tapering to a muzzle but still substantial enough to avoid actual cuteness.

See the photo for a guide.

Step Three

Piecing the Hatchling together. This is the scary Frankenstein part, so it’s okay to be a little nervous. A steady hand will see you through and for this the occasional sip of your strong source of Brownian motion is recommended.

We attached the Legs first. The exact order is up to you. Ideally the Arms should be affixed some way back and above the shoulders, to make them secure and bulk out the upper Body. Likewise the Tail should be attached at a point just a fraction above halfway up the back of the Body, both for the right Tail length and to form a ridge along the Hatchling’s spine. The Head can then be merged with this ridge at the back with the application of any small bits of extra marzipan you happen to have at hand. (What do you mean, you’ve eaten them? Well, don’t blame us if your Hatchling looks silly.)

We’ve included a photo to illustrate what the Hatchling might look like at this stage. If nudity offends, please look away now.

Step Four

Colouring. A simple delicate touch or several with the cake decorating pen should take care of those coal-black eyes – one either side of the Head for ideal results. Then you’ll want to give him a nice not-quite-all-over coat of Orange. We used a mix of Yellow and Red, favouring the Yellow. Leave most of his belly uncoloured, or if using white marzipan, you’ll want to paint it Yellow first probably. Allow the colour to dry a little before moving onto the Red, which you’ll be needing to apply in rough sort of stripes. The longer you leave the Orange to dry, the better the contrast with the Red, we suspect. Don’t be too neat and if the Red happens to bleed over a bit, so much the better.

Step Five

Spines. Think Stegosaurus here as you deftly stick flaked almonds into the Hatchling’s back like a nutty Brutus and his cronies repeatedly stabbing a reptilian Caesar – although possibly with less force. You’ll want plenty of each flake to protrude and arrange them in a crude sort of double row all the way down to the end of the tail, selecting the smaller flakes for the top of the head.

Step Six

Stand back and admire your handiwork. Your work is done.

Remember, a Hatchling is not just for Christmas. If you’re careful and you can run fast, you may last until New Year.

This product and its manufacturer may contain nuts.

SAF

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