Fans are outraged this week, calling for viewers to boycott Evil UnLtd as shocking new revelations come to light about how the organisation was formed. The secret origins of the group have been closely guarded, but here at Evil Magazine we have uncovered startling evidence that the whole thing is a fix!
Unbeknownst to an unsuspecting public, prior to the clandestine dinner where members of Evil UnLtd first convened, others were interviewed for a position within the organisation – and passed over despite superior performances. Others like embittered young pop tartlet, Martha Faquira, who is now determined to speak out against the –
Martha Faquira: Speak out? I do more than speak out against those bastardos! I reep out their eyeballs and feed them back to them as enemas! They screw me over, that bunch of smug barely masculine beaches! Sons of beaches! So I SCREW THEM BACK! Si! And not een a good sexy way, of that I can guarantee!
Evil Magazine: Um, we were coming to the interview part. But anyway, you’re very young to be so full of anger.
MF: Anger? You would be angry too, no? If you were as Evil as me and you get passed over in favour of, what – an egg who just seet there? A focking robot? Ooh look at me, I stand in corner like some keetchen appliance, I whir and hom with menace like I can exterminate you all. Fock heem. Female is deadlier than male, yes – everybody knows. Like the focking meerkat says, simples. I tell you if you see me at audition stage, I – yes, leetle Martha – was Evil! Evil eencarnate!
EM: I’m sure.
MF: Do not you patronise me, you bastardos.
EM: No, no, we wouldn’t dream of – well, all we’re saying is, nobody has seen these audition stages, have they?
MF: No! And you not likely to, stupeed sheet for brains. They bury the footage. All the evidence. Why? Because that Meester Knucks, he have sore throat in his eenterview. Si! Peaceing sore throat, like he was out on peace the night before! You believe? So, he croaks. While me, leetle Martha from Bogota Theta, what I do? I leave and breathe Evil. Pure focking Evil. Nothing I don’t do, nothing I don’t keel, I speet on graves of leetle pet hamsters of leetle ninos. Pah! I keel their hamsters then speet on them, while leetle bambinos are watching.
EM: That does sound fairly Evil.
MF: Fairly? I show you fairly you focking hole del burro! I fry your brain right now with my psychic powers! (An intense look of concentration furrows her otherwise impossibly cute features.) You feel that? You hear sizzling een your head, yes?
EM: Well, it could be a caffeine buzz.
(She punches me on the nose. I think it’s broken.)
MF: Caffeine bozz? You feel it now?
EM: I, um, feel a throbbing and I can see stars?
MF: Si! Stars! I keek your ass to other side of universe, you sass me again you meeserable puto!
EM: So, um, what reason did they give for turning you down?
MF: Reason? No reason! Well, they make up some sheet jokes about my name – and they say I am being too cute, nobody take me serioso, they say. Oh and they make fon of my accent. Fockers.
EM: We’re guessing that a leetle speetfire like you won’t settle for rejection at this early stage in your Evil career – so will you be striking out on your own now, perhaps going after Evil UnLtd for revenge?
MF: Maybe I do that. Not for while though. I signed contract, not allow me to practice Evil on my own or with any other organisation for three months. Also, my interstellar visa expire, so I could get shipped home where I get extradited to remote colony world of Pachydermos Primo. My debut seengle, it cause some offence apparently. Pachydermoids, they have sensitive ears. Some of my high notes, they keel a few. They never forget. Who knows, maybe I go back to pop career for a leetle while. Then go screw Evil UnLeemeted people.
EM: That sounds like a plan. Martha Faquira. A name to watch out for. Thanks and good luck.
MF: Fock you.
So there you have it. So far we’ve been unable to corroborate Mees Faquira’s story, but it has enough of the ring of truth to justify printing it. There is an outside possibility that this all amounts to some deliberately concocted controversy designed to generate publicity for Evil UnLtd. But even with that in mind, we wanted to give Mees Faquira’s side of the story the media attention it deserved and, in the process, really pile on the racial stereotyping in her dialogue just to pay her back for that bloody nose.
Evil UnLtd Vol 1: The Root Of All Evil is available on Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com Kindle Store. And a Special Edition is available via smashwords.
Martha Faquira is, for all we know, currently available at a street corner on Bogota Theta.
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