No More Mr Nice Guy

Nothing puts our noses more out of joint here at Evil UnLtd than to discover there are those out there more evil than us. Not to mention circumstances beyond our control. We are firm believers that nothing has any business being beyond our control.

So, it pains us to use the phrase now…

Owing to circumstances beyond our control, we have been obliged to end our long-standing custom of donating 100% proceeds from Evil UnLtd books to charity.

We are somewhat stubborn and pig-headed, however, and rather than end our charitable giving altogether, we have reduced the percentage of royalties that will be donated. Hence, until further notice 20% of royalties from the Evil UnLtd series of books (ebook and paperback) will go to Cancer Research UK.

Evil UnLtd Vol 1: The Root Of All Evil (Kindle)

Evil UnLtd Vol 2: From Evil With Love (Kindle)

Evil UnLtd Vol 3: Evil UTD (Kindle)

Evil UnLtd Vol 4: Tempus Sinister (Kindle)

We don’t really do apologies, being Evil, but the author of the books is sorry. In fact, I understand he is rather upset about the whole business and is committed to making this only a temporary reduction if possible. Which is why I have been asked to write this announcement.

Frankly, for my part, I have no idea what we were doing contributing to a charity in the first place.

Mine all mine, most sincerely

Dexter Snide.

4/2 (or Evil: Not All That Bad)

Yes, we all know that 42 is the Answer to the Question. Of Life The Universe And Everything. But 4/2 is – at least according to the UK date format – World Cancer Day.

And as if it wasn’t bad enough that, very much against Evil UnLtd‘s stance on charitable donations, the author of these books has seen fit to continue to donate 100% of royalties on sales of all volumes in the series to Cancer Research UK, he’s now seen fit to mark the occasion by cutting prices in half.

That’s right. All four ebook volumes in the series are available for one whole British pound each, over the weekend of 04/02/17 (that’s 02/04/17 to Americans). With 100% royalties, as ever, going to Cancer Research.

Grab yourself a copy and do some Good.

Evil UnLtd Vol 1: The Root Of All Evil (Kindle) £1

Evil UnLtd Vol 2: From Evil With Love (Kindle) £1

Evil UnLtd Vol 3: Evil UTD (Kindle) £1

Evil UnLtd Vol 4: Tempus Sinister (Kindle) £1

Grab yourself a foursome of Evil and help do some Good.

Or, alternatively, if you don’t fancy the books please consider a direct donation to Cancer Research UK and, please, don’t tell them Evil UnLtd sent you.

(Note: above links redirect to the books on amazon.co.uk. For purchases in other territories please search for Evil UnLtd on your amazon.)

SAF 2017

Evil Foursome!

At last! Evil UnLtd Vol 4: Tempus Sinister is available in paperback. Avail yourself of your copy by contacting us at sa4ward@gmx.co.uk.

It’s about bloody Time!

Here, as a taster, we present the cover blurb for the latest in the Evil book family:

The Farce Of The Dark Side.

Villains are the new Heroes in this epic Sci-Fi series.

Chronocide.

A long-cherished ambition for Professor Doomladen. Time is relative and in his estimation she’s a crabby, demanding old aunt, past overdue for bumping off.

Dexter Snide has murderous intentions towards other targets – Six and the PHUX Corporation who have stolen his TV station and his Tree, obliging Evil UnLtd to slum it in a derelict girls’ school in the branches of a mere Sapling attached to the hull of a Myxomatosan Death Warren.

In an imperfect present, one means of getting Evil’s future back on track is to turn back the clock. Dexter’s uber-devious scheme provides a tempting opportunity for Doomladen to achieve his ultimate goal. To kill Time.

But such temporal tampering is a sure way to attract the attentions of new enemies. Like a certain mysterious traveller in a blue box…

Worse, Time is a bitch. Mess with her and she messes back.

NB. All Evil UnLtd books are available in ebook formats, including Kindle, of course, but for a proper foursome you can’t really beat the tactile quality of paperback.

All royalties for the Evil UnLtd series go to Cancer Research UK

 

SAF2016

Heroes Gallery

Here at Evil UnLtd, we are loath to devote any blogspace to heroes, but as it’s January 2016 we hereby make an exception and hand you over for a personal note from our scribe, Simon A Forward:

Way back when I first decided to donate royalties from the Evil UnLtd series of books to Cancer Research UK, it was intended as a temporary measure – a gesture, more than anything, something positive I might do in the face of losing first my Mum and subsequently certain other heroes of mine. My Mum’s picture is not in the above gallery but she is there in spirit. Or rather here.

Many of us are at an age where the loss of heroes will become an all too frequent experience. And it will hurt. We have to remind ourselves that these heroes lived – really lived – and then some, both in their lives and in our imaginations as they connected with us through their chosen art forms, whether they were crafting worlds, characters, stories or songs or any combination of all those.

Lis, Caroline, Mary, Iain (M), David, Alan. And Mum. Thank you.

You all rocked. You still do.

And the royalties from the Evil UnLtd books will continue to go to Cancer Research UK for the foreseeable future. Because aside from being the least I can do, it’s all I can do.

If Evil UnLtd books aren’t your cup of tea, please donate to Cancer Research. For your personal heroes.

 

SAF 2016

 

 

Bloody Meerkats

Here at Evil UnLtd we appear to be having some trouble getting our message across.

Namely, that we are EVIL and we are UNLIMITED.

It’s hardly rocket science. Albeit we do indulge in that too from time to time. But that’s the point: unlimited is by definition bound to encompass a bit of rocket science on occasion. As it encompasses numerous other activities. Such as being cruel to meerkats, popping caps in them and such like.

But once again it falls on us to repeat what we have been saying all along.

If your own evil interests are confined to narrow specifics like gratuitous violence against meerkats then the website for you is popacapinameerkat dot com.

Just to properly hammer that home we’re escalating the use of graphic images, including a prime example of a favourite Earth pastime of senseless animals posing with the creatures they’ve slaughtered. Just look at this smirking loon pictured below with a recently culled meerkat and if that’s anything like you you’re in the wrong place.

For broader and more ambitious evils, however, stick with us.

Evil UnLtd.

Check out our latest volume, Tempus Sinister and we’re cofident that, particularly if you’re a Doctor Who fan, rather than inflict harm on some insignificant wildlife you will want to lynch the author.

SAF 2015

Royalties from all Evil UnLtd books go to Cancer Research UK.

Not Safe For Weasels

Latest in a line of people posing with lifeless prey is Sergei the Meerkat, pictured below with his latest catch, Nicole Kidman, who was tracked down and headhunted by casting directors armed only with wads of cash. It’s a sad state of affairs and it’s time the world spoke up against this sort of behaviour.

Not us. We really couldn’t care less about a civilisation so easily persuaded to part with its money by animated stuffed toys.

But what does exacerbate our ulcers is this: people really aren’t getting the message about Meerkats.

We are Evil UnLtd.

UnLimited.

We don’t care to confine ourselves to animal cruelty. Indeed, as a rule, we tend to prefer to inflict pain and misery on sentient beings, creatures who can properly understand their suffering.

Individuals interested in more specific evils directed against meerkats should visit Popacapinameerkat dot com.

Simple.

We’re more than happy to reproduce further graphic and horrific images here, featuring the little furry buggers, to give you some taste of what you’re missing by visiting the wrong site.

But those with broader imaginations and the mental capacity to embrace Evil on a grander, more epic scale could do themselves a real favour and treat themselves to any of the books in our Evil UnLtd series.

Those with a fondness for Doctor Who in particular, for example, will find much to celebrate and/or complain bitterly about in our latest, Volume 4: Tempus Sinister.

Evil UnLtd. Above average mean.

No meerkats.

SAF 2015

All royalties go to Cancer Research UK.

Pop A Cap In A Meerkat

Here at Evil UnLtd we have been receiving a lot of emails from people wanting to inflict grievous bodily harm on Meerkats. Apparently their decision, as a species, to head up a long-term advertising campaign on behalf of a comparison website has begun to grate on a few nerves.

While cruelty to meerkats, particularly annoyingly cute ones, is something we can heartily endorse, such activities are a very specific brand of evil and ours is a much broader bailiwick. The clue is in our name.

Evil. UnLtd.

UnLimited.

Simple. (Note. Singular, not plural. We are hard-pressed to think of any circumstance in which the word ‘simple’ would need to be pluralised.)

Meerkat. Sounds like ‘mere’. And there is nothing mere about us.

This, we hope, will go some way towards clearing up any potential confusion.

Those keen to indulge their anti-meerkat appetites further, visit popacapinameerkat.com.

Those interested in a wider spectrum of Evil choose Evil UnLtd.

Evil UnLtd books, including the latest Vol 4: Tempus Sinister, are available on Amazon.

All royalties go to Cancer Research UK.

SAF 2015

Invasion Of The Vinosaur

Allow us to introduce the Wine Diva. A character with a significant role in the latest Evil UnLtd volume.

We can’t say much about her at this point as anything of substance we could say about her would have a high alcohol content and, Evil as we are, we can’t go about distributing alcoholic substances to minors. Suffice to say that she’s a glass half-full sort of person who will always demand a top-up.

Exclusive Time/Space Snippet:

From her spot at the end of the bar, the Wine Diva saw all. Usually through a misty Merlot haze, the occasional rosé-tinted glass. But on this she had drawn a Sauvignon blank. She hadn’t seen this coming at all.

All she wanted was a quiet, lightly anaesthetised life. Some amicable conversation, a bar to rest her head on.

There she’d been, enjoying her daily helping of all the above. Maintaining a sparkly banter, between sips, with the lovely Tabitha. Despite the constant need to repeat everything. It was one thing to throw pearls of wisdom before swine, another to have to regurgitate them. Of course, Tabitha was no swine – she was a pearl herself. The only element to sour their enabler-customer relationship was that the girl was so much prettier than the Wine Diva. It was nothing personal: she was prettier than everybody, blast her deliciously curved hide. It would have been easy to hate her if she lorded her looks over all and sundry. But if you ordered bitter, Tabitha would always serve you mild. With a slice of humble pie, lightly sugared.

Tabitha was even nice enough to smile every time the Wine Diva made her ‘put it on my Tab’ joke. Which was probably often. She lost count. She kept making mental notes to lay off that one. But she kept misplacing the notes.

Anyway, at some point Brian the big-hearted bruiser had swaggered over, butting in on their girl talk. She watched him swoon and moon over Tabitha, contemplated telling him to grow a pair and ask the girl out. Actually, that may have been one of those contemplations she blurted aloud because she remembered Tabitha blushing a deep shade of Shiraz.

Oops.

Well, that was moot now. She’d seen poor Brian go down just before she’d vaulted over the bar. Vaulting had felt more like slithering like a pregnant snake, but vino didn’t half play with your perceptions. On the plus side, any details that slipped your mind, you could make up. And make them sound a lot better. Hence vaulted. Gracefully. What’d it matter now? Invent what events you liked when death was just the other side of the bar.

She’d caught a quickfire montage as she’d gone head-over-heels-over-bar: a lot of tumbling, upside-down shots of the terrorists. Like one of those movies where the camera can’t keep still, like the cameraman’s on an unsteady diet of speed and caffeine. Tabitha, bless her, dreamed of being a movie starlet. If she ever landed a role in one of those movies, the Wine Diva would never see them. They did her head in. Made her sick. Which obliged her to finish up her popcorn too fast so she’d have a spare receptacle to hand.

She digressed. More than usual. Thoughts whirled. More than usual. Her heart pumped like a machine-gun, outpacing the automatic fire chopping poor Frank’s pub to splinters. Poor Frank? Poor her – it was her home from home. The guns spat softly, shushing madly, as the destruction made all the real noise. It was like listening to a gang of riverdancers doing a number on the place in rubber-soled, scissor-heeled clogs. It rained woodchips and shards and sundry beverages and matter and fluids that should have remained internal to someone. Anyone.

Some of it might have been Bloody Mary mix, but the psychological effect was similar as it sprayed everywhere, gobs of the stuff falling black and crisp like deep-fried tomato peel.

Down on hands and knees, by no means unusual for her, she breathed like a geriatric gazelle who’d just run a marathon steeplechase. Or hippo. Hippo would’ve coloured her point with greater emphasis, but she gave herself gazelle. She had to throw herself these little gifts.

The entire future could be moot. All right, the future might conceivably carry on without her, but she’d be missed. Life could be moot.

Survival depended entirely on whether this was the first Tuesday of the month or the last Tuesday of the previous month. The Wine Diva saw all. But calendars were chronically blurred.

Life could be measured in minutes. And all she could see from her disadvantage point on the floor was a lot of broken glass and a whole lot more booze spilling wastefully away. She was in a puddle of her best friend. Nowhere near deep enough to swim, too shallow to drown her sorrows.

But extensive enough to make her cry.

Gunfire done, the chief terrorist eventually mumbled something about parable universes, turning her grief to confusion. When he corrected his mumble to parallel universes, confusion fermented into horror.

No, she hadn’t seen this coming. But there’d been a few sober times she’d feared this day might arrive.

Read more about the Wine Diva and other characters with bottle in Evil UnLtd Vol 4: Tempus Sinister.

Royalties from all Evil UnLtd books go to Cancer Research UK.

SAF 2015

Proctor Who? Part Four

 

Who is the Proctor?

A question central to the latest Evil UnLtd volume.

The Proctor is a conundrum wrapped in an enema and – wait, either we’re getting déjà vu or we’re caught in a chronic hysteresis. We’ve been through all that before.

Today, we’ll be profiling another of the individuals who lays claim to the title of Proctor, in an eternal struggle between order and chaos.

The Fourth (?) Proctor

Exclusive Time/Space snippet:

Bibi broke from the path and barged through clumps of ornamental shrubbery. Where the plants resisted, she gave them a blast of her hairspray which doubled as an excellent defoliant.

She burst through and almost teetered into a pond. She veered left, hopscotching around its banks. Just as she reached the stone path, she hit a wall of sound. Or it hit her. Or both.

It was a horrible, grating sound like the braying of an asthmatic iron donkey with rusted lungs.

The sound gave birth to hazy blue light. The light sketched angles and lines in the air, tracing the outline of a box. Intersections glowed sapphire-bright before spilling their colour, flood-filling the surfaces with deep, metallic blue. The accompanying din terminated in a solid thunk, as though the donkey had keeled over and died, leaving only the solid confirmation that the object was indeed a box.

Beyond that, the unseen artist who had deposited this curio might as well have been snickering to himself and gleefully challenging, “Can you tell what it is yet?” Because Bibi still had no idea.

It boasted a chamfered lid like a toolbox. It even sported a carrying handle, although you would’ve had to be something of a giant to lift it given its coffinesque dimensions. Assuming it was as heavy as it looked. The thunk with which it had finally materialised could have been a sound effect, Bibi supposed. But it had sounded heavy as a falling star.

She looked at it, wondering what it would do next. Boxes tended not to do very much. Except contain stuff.

She glanced over her shoulder. On the far side of the pond, Mr Quiggs staggered after her, one hand still clasped over his eyes, the other waving wildly. He splashed blindly into the water, started wading across.

She should run.

But her legs wanted to stay rooted. As if her knees wanted to stick around and stare at the box. Despite her very human lack of eyes in either patella.

From out in the water, Mr Quiggs whined: “Please! Please, come back! I just wanted to talk!”

Bibi stared and stared at the box, willing it to do something. Anything. “Do something!” she urged it.

The box hummed.

A seam parted along its top. The lid opened like an oblong clamshell. Folding back to reveal an impossibly dark interior. And locking into place as a pair of tiered trays on either side.

In one of the trays lay a man.

Well, lay was too leisurely a word. He was squashed up in a cramped foetal position, the tray being nowhere near long enough to accommodate his tall, wiry frame. He wasted no time in leaping up and springing free from the box.

He aimed his head this way and that, his eyes darted everywhere – although hardly ever in the same direction as his head. He whipped out a very phallic silver tool, sized somewhere between pen and truncheon, tipped with a glowing purple knob. He thrust this bulbous end at Bibi.

What the hell? Two attackers now?

 

Watch this space for further profiles of this compelling character.

Alternatively, read Evil UnLtd Vol 4: Tempus Sinister.

Royalties from all Evil UnLtd books go to Cancer Research UK.

SAF

Proctor Who? Part Three

Who is the Proctor?

A question central to the latest Evil UnLtd volume.

The Proctor is a conundrum wrapped in an enema and – wait, either we’re getting déjà vu or we’re caught in a chronic hysteresis. We’ve been through all that before.

Today, we’ll be profiling one of the individuals who lays claim to the title of Proctor, cast in order of the garter.

The Third (?) Proctor

Exclusive Time/Space snippet:

Lisa McShane ran down the drab, gloomy corridor. Or up.

It felt like up, but most running did. She needed to cut down on the vino. On the other hand, she always needed a drink between adventures with the Proctor. And hey, as much as she had a hard time with the running, he had it worse.

He waddled at speed. Mind, he’d kill her with one of his withering glares if he whiffed her feeling sorry for him. He was giving her the hard stare right now, coming up yards behind her like a sore loser in a duck race on dry land. Of course, he was lumbered with luggage.

“I don’t know why you have to cart that thing round with you everywhere!”

The big blue Toolbox bashed against his little legs. In his other hand he wielded the Tool. “Yes you do! I might have to reach something!”

“Ditch it! You can stand on my shoulders.”

“Oh, can I really? How very BIG of you! Like a criminal on a down escalator.”

“You what?”

“Con descending.”

He was always throwing out lame puns just to annoy her. People who used humour as a defence mechanism forgot it wasn’t very effective against a punch.

“Oh, I get it. You’re insecure. Cos you’re short.”

“I’ll have you know I am very secure in my stature. It’s other people’s heights that make me nervous. I mean, they’re all so tall. They scare me.”

The Proctor fake-shuddered. For such a slow-poke, short-ass he always found time for mucking about while on the run from deadly threats.

Deadly threats like the machine of solid shadow and red-scratch eyeslit that trundled around the corner behind him.

“Proctor!”

He raised the Tool high, thumbed the controls. The Evil Robot’s micro-missiles and plasma fire bombarded a wall of hard air, metres aft of the Proctor’s heels. The tracked beast rolled forward, switching to some shrill sonic weapon that warped the force field like a glass wobble board.

Lisa ran on. The Proctor waddled faster.

“Corridors,” he quipped. “Don’t you just hate them.”

Lisa did. She’d lost count of the ones she’d run down. Or up. The up ones were the worst. Hence her huge disappointment at arriving on the rare and strange hyperstitial world of Hyperconda to discover more bloody corridors. “These corridors aren’t actually here. The planet occupies a dimension quite beyond the comprehension of us mere three-dimensional types,” the Proctor had explained. “The Hypercondans constructed a visual interpretation matrix to accommodate visitors in a reality that would make sense to the ordinary visual cortex.” To which Lisa had nodded dumbly and felt sorry for the Proctor: he only occupied a third dimension to about half the extent most people did.

Lisa hurled herself around the end of the passage, glued her back to the wall. The Proctor ducked in beside her. The robot tossed a plasma bolt the size of a caber in their direction. The Proctor swung the Toolbox up like a shield. The box flew from his hand, clattered across the floor. The Proctor blew at lightly cooked fingers.

The box was undamaged. Shame, because it could’ve used a few holes in its sides for extra leg room. And arm room. And bust room.

The Proctor snuck peeks around the corner and twiddled with his Tool. “I think we’ve angered it sufficiently.”

“You think?!”

 

Watch this space for further profiles of this compelling character.

Alternatively, read Evil UnLtd Vol 4: Tempus Sinister.

Royalties for all Evil UnLtd books go to Cancer Research UK.

SAF 2015