Not Safe For Weasels

PTDC0027Latest in a line of people posing with lifeless prey is Sergei the Meerkat, pictured below with his latest catch, Nicole Kidman, who was tracked down and headhunted by casting directors armed only with wads of cash. It’s a sad state of affairs and it’s time the world spoke up against this sort of behaviour.

nicolemeerkidmanNot us. We really couldn’t care less about a civilisation so easily persuaded to part with its money by animated stuffed toys.

But what does exacerbate our ulcers is this: people really aren’t getting the message about Meerkats.

We are Evil UnLtd.

UnLimited.

We don’t care to confine ourselves to animal cruelty. Indeed, as a rule, we tend to prefer to inflict pain and misery on sentient beings, creatures who can properly understand their suffering.

Individuals interested in more specific evils directed against meerkats should visit Popacapinameerkat dot com.

Simple.

We’re more than happy to reproduce further graphic and horrific images here, featuring the little furry buggers, to give you some taste of what you’re missing by visiting the wrong site.

But those with broader imaginations and the mental capacity to embrace Evil on a grander, more epic scale could do themselves a real favour and treat themselves to any of the books in our Evil UnLtd series.

meerkat01profileThose with a fondness for Doctor Who in particular, for example, will find much to celebrate and/or complain bitterly about in our latest, Volume 4: Tempus Sinister.

Evil UnLtd. Above average mean.

No meerkats.

SAF 2015

All royalties go to Cancer Research UK.

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Pop A Cap In A Meerkat

CSIMEERKATHere at Evil UnLtd we have been receiving a lot of emails from people wanting to inflict grievous bodily harm on Meerkats. Apparently their decision, as a species, to head up a long-term advertising campaign on behalf of a comparison website has begun to grate on a few nerves.

While cruelty to meerkats, particularly annoyingly cute ones, is something we can heartily endorse, such activities are a very specific brand of evil and ours is a much broader bailiwick. The clue is in our name.

Evil. UnLtd.

UnLimited.

Simple. (Note. Singular, not plural. We are hard-pressed to think of any circumstance in which the word ‘simple’ would need to be pluralised.)

Meerkat. Sounds like ‘mere’. And there is nothing mere about us.

This, we hope, will go some way towards clearing up any potential confusion.

Those keen to indulge their anti-meerkat appetites further, visit popacapinameerkat.com.

Those interested in a wider spectrum of Evil choose Evil UnLtd.

meerkat01profileEvil UnLtd books, including the latest Vol 4: Tempus Sinister, are available on Amazon.

All royalties go to Cancer Research UK.

SAF 2015

Proctor Who? Part Three

Toolbox

Who is the Proctor?

A question central to the latest Evil UnLtd volume.

The Proctor is a conundrum wrapped in an enema and – wait, either we’re getting déjà vu or we’re caught in a chronic hysteresis. We’ve been through all that before.

Today, we’ll be profiling one of the individuals who lays claim to the title of Proctor, cast in order of the garter.

The Third (?) Proctor

Proctor03

Exclusive Time/Space snippet:

Lisa McShane ran down the drab, gloomy corridor. Or up.

It felt like up, but most running did. She needed to cut down on the vino. On the other hand, she always needed a drink between adventures with the Proctor. And hey, as much as she had a hard time with the running, he had it worse.

He waddled at speed. Mind, he’d kill her with one of his withering glares if he whiffed her feeling sorry for him. He was giving her the hard stare right now, coming up yards behind her like a sore loser in a duck race on dry land. Of course, he was lumbered with luggage.

“I don’t know why you have to cart that thing round with you everywhere!”

The big blue Toolbox bashed against his little legs. In his other hand he wielded the Tool. “Yes you do! I might have to reach something!”

“Ditch it! You can stand on my shoulders.”

“Oh, can I really? How very BIG of you! Like a criminal on a down escalator.”

“You what?”

“Con descending.”

He was always throwing out lame puns just to annoy her. People who used humour as a defence mechanism forgot it wasn’t very effective against a punch.

“Oh, I get it. You’re insecure. Cos you’re short.”

“I’ll have you know I am very secure in my stature. It’s other people’s heights that make me nervous. I mean, they’re all so tall. They scare me.”

The Proctor fake-shuddered. For such a slow-poke, short-ass he always found time for mucking about while on the run from deadly threats.

Deadly threats like the machine of solid shadow and red-scratch eyeslit that trundled around the corner behind him.

“Proctor!”

He raised the Tool high, thumbed the controls. The Evil Robot’s micro-missiles and plasma fire bombarded a wall of hard air, metres aft of the Proctor’s heels. The tracked beast rolled forward, switching to some shrill sonic weapon that warped the force field like a glass wobble board.

Lisa ran on. The Proctor waddled faster.

“Corridors,” he quipped. “Don’t you just hate them.”

Lisa did. She’d lost count of the ones she’d run down. Or up. The up ones were the worst. Hence her huge disappointment at arriving on the rare and strange hyperstitial world of Hyperconda to discover more bloody corridors. “These corridors aren’t actually here. The planet occupies a dimension quite beyond the comprehension of us mere three-dimensional types,” the Proctor had explained. “The Hypercondans constructed a visual interpretation matrix to accommodate visitors in a reality that would make sense to the ordinary visual cortex.” To which Lisa had nodded dumbly and felt sorry for the Proctor: he only occupied a third dimension to about half the extent most people did.

Lisa hurled herself around the end of the passage, glued her back to the wall. The Proctor ducked in beside her. The robot tossed a plasma bolt the size of a caber in their direction. The Proctor swung the Toolbox up like a shield. The box flew from his hand, clattered across the floor. The Proctor blew at lightly cooked fingers.

The box was undamaged. Shame, because it could’ve used a few holes in its sides for extra leg room. And arm room. And bust room.

The Proctor snuck peeks around the corner and twiddled with his Tool. “I think we’ve angered it sufficiently.”

“You think?!”

 EvilFork

Watch this space for further profiles of this compelling character.

Alternatively, read Evil UnLtd Vol 4: Tempus Sinister.

Royalties for all Evil UnLtd books go to Cancer Research UK.

SAF 2015

Towel Day Plus One

E4. Now showing on Towel Day Plus One.

Evil4Cover 

There comes a time in every book’s life when it must fly the nest and venture forth into the world wide web. That time for Evil UnLtd Vol 4: Tempus Sinister is now.

Actually, that time was yesterday. But in keeping with its time travel theme, not merely content to be long overdue, it showed up another day late.

We at Galaxy Six would like to blame the global economic crash and Saturn’s retrograde motion through the House of Capricorn and Simon Pegg.

(Ha, if he thinks superhero movies are cultural genocide, wait till he gets a load of Evil UnLtd.)

Also, some stories just take their own sweet time.

Time, appropriately enough, is the enemy in this one. Or the enema, we can’t quite remember. But the enema of my enemy is my friend, so it makes little difference in the end. Although some would argue that the end is exactly where an enema makes the most difference.

But we digress.

Toolbox

This volume concerns itself principally with Time. Capital T.

And especially Professor Doomladen’s long-cherished ambitions of Chronocide.

And if that’s not enough to whet your appetite, we should point out that there’s more to it than that. So much more that this series is in danger of needing a Previously On… Luckily, all three preceding volumes are still available so that’s covered.

At this stage we can’t really tell you much more about Evil 4. We don’t want to spoil it for our army of fans. So – until next time – just like we do for Game Of Thrones, we will confine ourselves to spoiler-free tweets like:

OMG!!!!! #Evil4

And

Oh wow! I can’t believe they did that to [INSERT CHARACTER NAME HERE] #Evil4

Evil UnLtd

They’re back and it’s about bloody Time.

Available now on Kindle at Amazon UK and Amazon US.

Other ebook formats and paperback edition to follow.

(100% of royalties for all books in the Evil UnLtd series continue to go to Cancer Research UK.)

SAF

Watch this space for more Evil news, extras

From Evil With Love

Back Cover BlurbContent Guide

Paperback. Kindle. Ebook

Feb 04/2012

Meanwhile

Evil UnLtd Vol 1: The Root Of All Evil is available for the Kindle from amazon.com and amazon.co.uk

Also in other Ebook formats from smashwords.com

And in paperback from amazon.com and amazon.co.uk, with signed copies direct from the author

Evil UnLtd. Above average mean.

SAF

  • Vol 1 – Kindle (UK)

  • Vol 2 – Kindle (UK)

  • Vol 3 – Kindle (UK)

  • Vol 4 – Kindle (UK)

  • Signed Paperbacks

    Signed Copies Direct From The Author