Who Is The Proctor?

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Who is the Proctor?

A question central to the latest volume in the Evil UnLtd series.

The Proctor is a conundrum wrapped in an enigma and possibly wearing a different face every time you meet him. He travels the space-time continuum in a strange blue box, brandishes his Tool and frequently asks young ladies to come with him.

It’s a wonder he’s not been arrested.

But condundrums wrapped in enigmas who pick up young ladies are open to misinterpretation and hopefully Tempus Sinister will shed further light on this mysterious fellow.

One thing is for certain: he is an enemy of Evil UnLtd.

And any resemblance between him and –

Two. Two things are for certain.

One: he is an enemy of Evil UnLtd.

Two: any resemblance between him and any persons, living or fictional, travelling space and time in a blue box is purely coincidental.

Watch this space for further profiles of this compelling character.

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Alternatively, read Evil UnLtd Vol 4: Tempus Sinister.

Available now for Amazon Kindle. All royalties for Evil UnLtd books go to Cancer Research UK.

SAF 2015

Towel Day Plus One

E4. Now showing on Towel Day Plus One.

Evil4Cover 

There comes a time in every book’s life when it must fly the nest and venture forth into the world wide web. That time for Evil UnLtd Vol 4: Tempus Sinister is now.

Actually, that time was yesterday. But in keeping with its time travel theme, not merely content to be long overdue, it showed up another day late.

We at Galaxy Six would like to blame the global economic crash and Saturn’s retrograde motion through the House of Capricorn and Simon Pegg.

(Ha, if he thinks superhero movies are cultural genocide, wait till he gets a load of Evil UnLtd.)

Also, some stories just take their own sweet time.

Time, appropriately enough, is the enemy in this one. Or the enema, we can’t quite remember. But the enema of my enemy is my friend, so it makes little difference in the end. Although some would argue that the end is exactly where an enema makes the most difference.

But we digress.

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This volume concerns itself principally with Time. Capital T.

And especially Professor Doomladen’s long-cherished ambitions of Chronocide.

And if that’s not enough to whet your appetite, we should point out that there’s more to it than that. So much more that this series is in danger of needing a Previously On… Luckily, all three preceding volumes are still available so that’s covered.

At this stage we can’t really tell you much more about Evil 4. We don’t want to spoil it for our army of fans. So – until next time – just like we do for Game Of Thrones, we will confine ourselves to spoiler-free tweets like:

OMG!!!!! #Evil4

And

Oh wow! I can’t believe they did that to [INSERT CHARACTER NAME HERE] #Evil4

Evil UnLtd

They’re back and it’s about bloody Time.

Available now on Kindle at Amazon UK and Amazon US.

Other ebook formats and paperback edition to follow.

(100% of royalties for all books in the Evil UnLtd series continue to go to Cancer Research UK.)

SAF

Watch this space for more Evil news, extras

They’re Back And It’s About Bloody Time!

Ladies, gentlemen and bowls of petunias, synchronise your swatches.

Towel Day (May 25th) is almost upon us again.

In honour of the occasion we will be releasing the latest Evil book. In honour of the book involving an element of time travel, we are releasing it later than originally planned.

Here, to whet your readerly appetites is the cover blurb:

Evil4Cover

The Farce Of The Dark Side.

Villains are the new Heroes in this epic Sci-Fi series.

Chronocide.

A long-cherished ambition for Professor Doomladen. Time is relative and in his estimation she’s a crabby, demanding old aunt, past overdue for bumping off.

Dexter Snide has murderous intentions towards other targets – Six and the PHUX Corporation who have stolen his TV station and his Tree, obliging Evil UnLtd to slum it in a derelict girls’ school in the branches of a mere Sapling attached to the hull of a Myxomatosan Death Warren.

In an imperfect present, one means of getting Evil’s future back on track is to turn back the clock. Dexter’s uber-devious scheme provides a tempting opportunity for Doomladen to achieve his ultimate goal. To kill Time.

But such temporal tampering is a sure way to attract the attentions of new enemies. Like a certain mysterious traveller in a blue box…

Worse, Time is a bitch. Mess with her and she messes back.

Watch this space for further announcements.

(WARNING: Actual book may contain spoilers.)

SAF 2015

Note: 100% of royalties from all Evil UnLtd sales continue to go to Cancer Research UK.

SEXY EVIL THREESOME!

EvilThreesome

Check out this sexy threesome.

Yes, Evil UnLtd has become The Beast With Three Books!

Evil UnLtd Vol 3: EVIL UTD has been available on Kindle for some while, but in our ongoing efforts to reduce the rainforests we’ve finally rolled it out as a paperback.

Signed copies are available direct from the author, via Paypal (see links in the sidebar). Alternatively you can obtain copies from Amazon.

100% of royalties from all sales (ebook or paperback) will continue to go to Cancer Research UK at least until May 25th 2014.

Watch this space for further information and updates on this and other books in the series.

 

SAF

In Memoriam Banks

(Reposted from Prefect Slog)

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No matter who you lose – loved ones, relatives, friends, personal heroes or heroines – life goes on. But it carries a heavy taint and the world loses some of its colour. For a while at least. Actually, that colour’s gone forever, but we do what we can by way of a restoration job. Put some of our own colour back in.

Yesterday, I checked in on Twitter to throw some glib comment out into the virtual world only to be stunned and saddened when I read the news that Iain Banks had died. Just two months after he’d announced that he was terminally ill. Just over seven years ago, my Mum was diagnosed with cancer on a Friday and passed away on the following Wednesday. Five days later. But somehow the news about Iain Banks still managed to come as a shock.

Bastard cancer. You’d think I’d be inured to it by now.

I didn’t even know the man.

On the other hand, to call him a hero of mine would be no understatement. Like Lis Sladen, Caroline John and Mary Tamm, he added colour to my life. Starting, in his case, many years ago when I first discovered The Wasp Factory and bought a whole bunch of his books (including Walking On Glass, The Bridge, Canal Dreams, Espedair Street) in one go one sunny Saturday afternoon after browsing the local bookstore in search of something new and different to read. What a haul of riches. I read through that lot like a shot. Then imagine my delight when I discovered that the same guy (with the deft application of a middle initial) wrote science fiction.

Bloody hell. Seventh heaven.

Vast, imaginative, thought-provoking heavens they were too. Whether he was writing in our world or other worlds, I’d never read anything like them.

So needless to say, he was a major influence on me. The first novel I ever completed was a misguided effort to emulate Mr Banks to some degree. Even with the Evil UnLtd, books, serious sci-fi is as key an inspiration as Douglas Adams and Hitch-Hikers. Possibly even greater in many respects. And back in my days of role-playing games, I used to run a Traveller campaign and pinched stuff from the Culture to help colour the official RPG universe. Adding colour, like I said. And to more than my reading experience.

So. Thank you, Iain. You’ll be greatly missed. I haven’t memorised every line of your books like in Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451 – my brain’s not nearly equal to that task – but rest assured I still carry them with me in my heart and my imagination.

They made a difference. The least I can do now is to try to make some small difference in the fight against cancer.

Last November I launched my Evil vs Cancer campaign, which came to an end on May 24th this year. I’d intended to continue that in some form, donating half of the proceeds to Cancer Research UK. It goes without saying, the books don’t make huge amounts of money and the practical reality is that I need some level of revenue in order to produce the paperbacks. But I couldn’t sit by and allow cancer to claim another hero of mine without doing something.

So here’s me saluting you, Iain Banks, and shaking my fist at cancer again.

For another year (and I’m backdating that to include all purchases that were made between now and last May 24th) I’m extending the Evil vs.Cancer campaign and we’ll be donating the full 100% of royalties from all the Evil Unltd books (all formats) to Cancer Research UK.

You can find links to the various ways you can get your hands, virtual or otherwise, on the paperbacks and/or ebooks here:

EVIL UNLTD VOL 1: THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL

Available from Amazon.co.uk

and Amazon.com

EVIL UNLTD VOL 2: FROM EVIL WITH LOVE

Available from Amazon.co.uk

and Amazon.com

EVIL UNLTD VOL 3: EVIL UTD

Available from Amazon.co.uk

and Amazon.com
Please help spread the word and share links on Facebook, Twitter, blog, email – wherever you can.

Help make Evil do some Good.

 

SAF

Happy Towel Day 2013

Sass that hoopy Ford Prefect, there’s a frood who really knew where his towel is.

He also used to like carrying a book around with him. Obviously we can’t match The Hitch-Hikers Guide for sheer helpfulness or the comforting words of ‘DON’T PANIC’ on the back, but we can at least offer a volume as absorbing as any towel!

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EVIL UNLTD VOL 3

EVIL UTD

Released today on Amazon UK and Amazon US

The Farce Of The Dark Side.

 

Villains are the new Heroes in this epic Sci-Fi series.

War! What is it good for? A great many things, according to Dexter Snide. But the current interstellar conflict threatens to divert public attention from his plans to plunge the universe into economic ruin.

To make matters worse, rival broadcaster the PHUX Corporation, has exclusive coverage rights for the war between the ultra-bureaucratic System and the cute but belligerent Bunnymen. The ratings war is on.

Sentient planet Alphaterre Metroplaisir – or Alph to his friends – faces devastation and an end to his cheerful theme-park ambience as his capital city is torn apart by Evil’s latest TV phenomenon,The Minion Factor. Alph turns to PHUX for help and, in a primetime advertising slot, the call goes out for heroes.

Even with a war on and heroes in short supply, there are some who will always find time to tackle Evil UnLtd. Especially those with old personal scores to settle.

Once they’re done with the System, the Bunnymen are coming for Evil UnLtd too.

The odds are stacked and the Evil gang need to be more united than ever.

A tall order, when they are divided and scattered. And perhaps the most serious threats of all come from within…

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Other ebook formats will follow, plus a paperback for those who prefer a bit of hard copy.

As part of our ongoing Evil vs Cancer campaign, we will be donating *100%* of royalties from all Evil UnLtd books to Cancer Research UK. Thanks to all those who’ve lent their support so far.

Live long and prosper. And purchase.

And don’t forget your towel!

EVIL UTD is available from Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

SAF 2013

IMPORTANT UPDATE: In light of yesterday’s sad news about author Iain Banks, we’ll be donating a full 100% of royalties on all Evil UnLtd books for another year. Watch out for  a full post on this later.

LIVE UnLtd

“Tom Hiddleston, another actor our author thinks would make a good me. I suppose he almost looks the part in the suit.” Dexter Snide

Fiction is rife with tales of creations – robots, monsters, what have you – turning on their creators. But it’s not so common to find creators attempting to royally shaft their creations. It is a truly despicable thing, a betrayal of the author-character relationship and quite frankly if the author expects his characters to behave as he wishes in his next book he will be in for a surprise of the nastiest kind.

Nasty is one of those things that we here at Evil UnLtd do best.

Still, we are to some degree at the mercy of our author’s whims and he has decided to fritter profits away on (permit me to shudder) charity. That’s right: all his royalties are going to Cancer Research UK for the next six months (until May 24th 2013).

Personally, I see it as a cynical marketing ploy, exploiting a much-vaunted ‘worthwhile cause’ as a promotional tool and in that respect a laudable scheme. But really, either way, it shouldn’t concern me. It’s his money – the author’s share – and Evil UnLtd are not strictly about profits. One can make more money any time, after all – by printing your own, stealing and so on. Whereas spreading misery and despair et cetera, well, that’s priceless.

Indeed, it is exactly this line of thought that ultimately leads me to applaud this move.

Cancer is evil.

It’s remarkably effective in its ability to make people miserable, devastate lives, all that sort of thing. So you could be forgiven for thinking we would be doubly opposed to any charitable agency that sets out to combat it.

But quite frankly, we can do without the competition.

So I would like to see the back of it.

To that end, I would suggest that we, Evil UnLtd, and all you good people out there, if not actually unite in a common cause, at least engage in this temporary uneasy alliance to do what we can against this pervasive enemy.

You can contribute by purchasing a copies of our first two volumes, The Root Of All Evil and From Evil With Love. Links to the paperbacks and ebook formats are readily available on this site, but I’ll see to it that a minion provides them here again for your convenience:

Evil UnLtd Vol 1: The Root Of All Evil

Paperback 

Kindle (Amazon UK) £2.05

Kindle (Amazon US) $3.28

Other Ebook Formats (Smashwords) $2.99

Paperback (Amazon UK) £8.99

Evil UnLtd Vol 2: From Evil With Love

 

Kindle (Amazon UK) £2.05

Kindle (Amazon US) $3.28

Other Ebook Formats (Smashwords) $2.99

Paperback (Amazon UK) £8.99

You can also do your bit by spreading the word, telling your friends and/or enemies. Everybody and anybody.

See, our author was convinced we would disapprove and he would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for ‘us meddling characters’.

We are far smarter than that.

Long live Evil. Down with cancer.

Dexter Snide

 

Alternatively, please visit Cancer Research UK and make a direct donation.

Evil Movie Database

(Click on the images for larger views)

SAF 2012

Title Sequence

Not all books have such lavish opening title sequences. This is an excerpt from Evil UnLtd Vol 2: From Evil With Love

Through thrashing white water, we descend into swirling blue. Rays of light slant down to play among the bubbles and fluid shadows. Shadows transform: the slender silhouette of a naked woman emerges to dance in the light. Others rise from the depths to swim, almost shark-like, around her. We dive slowly into the midst of their circling naked forms.

An elegant silver gun juts in from the left, one beautifully manicured finger closes around the trigger and sends a bullet streaking across the oily maelstrom of silhouettes.

Sparks ignite and in the explosion of flame, the women are now fiery sirens. They dance, they somersault, they act out some fairly amateur martial arts. If you watch too closely, one of them can be seen to fall over.

Mostly they twist and turn gracefully, rising in a seductive fiery spiral. Above us, sunlight ripples on the surface.

Suddenly, a flotilla of speedboats spears past overhead, painting a screen of churning white in which the burning sirens die, fatally extinguished.

But no, we break through the white, rising into sky blue, bringing the dancing figures with us as curvaceous, vaporous hotties. Babes of cloud, cumulo nymphus, they take to the air, flexing sinuously as – suddenly – sleek fighter jets weave their way between them, looping them with vapour-trail ribbons as they engage in a deadly, balletic dogfight.

Some of the cloud-babes swoop in on the lead plane, settling to dance on the wings as it arcs through the sky, a brace of heat seeker missiles streaking hotly after it.

A phone rings.

Templar hit pause on the remote and turned up the lights. Every bloody time, without fail.

“Templar. Salmon Templar.”

“Templar. We have a situation. Get your tailfin to HQ ASAP.”

“What’s the situation, sir?”

“Are you alone? Need I ask?”

“No, sir, but I soon can be.” Templar looked over to the couch where the deluscious Bunny was peeping over the back with her tousled hair and come-back-hither eyes. “Sorry. Something’s come up.”

“It’s what I was hoping.”

She had succumbed to his charms pretty quickly. They always did. “No,” he told her, gesturing with the phone. “Time you skedaddled.”

She pouted. “Really?” She jerked a thumb at the screen. “That’s all you wanted me for? To film me in silhouette and drop me into some fancy graphics?”

“It’s a hobby.”

“You’re weird.”

“I get that a lot.”

Shaking her head, she hopped off the couch and disappeared to the studio to collect her things. Templar watched her cute butt receding, barely cloaked by the short robe.

“All clear, sir. What’s up?”

“Evil, Templar. Evil Unlimited.”

One Week Later…

Dexter. Knucks. Tanith. Ferret. Doomy. They all huddled together, frightened, bewildered, terrified. Ferret was bleating more than usual, but not for long.

A wave of blinding flame ripped through the ship, wiping the horrified, disbelieving expressions off their faces – and wiping their faces off the existential blackboard.

SAF 2012

Make Your Own Hatchling!

The Hatchling is perhaps the shyest member of Evil UnLtd, only venturing outside his egg in times of direst need. But even inside his shell, he knows he has fans and so has given us permission to construct an idol in his image – out of marzipan. It was a momentous undertaking, fraught with challenges and difficulties, but one filled with celebration at every turn as the edifice took shape – much like the raising of the Amish barn in Witness.

For those of you who wish to experience this joy of creation, we have documented the process here. Enjoy!

Warning: this does involve sharp instruments and possibly dangerous spiking of blood sugar levels, so please ask a grown-up to assist.

You Will Need:

1. One copy of Evil UnLtd: The Root Of All Evil available for Kindle from Amazon.Co.Uk and Amazon.Com. If you don’t have a Kindle, don’t worry, you can download the Kindle software for FREE to enjoy the book on your PC, Mac, iPhone, iPad, Blackberry, Android, Chip Butty, Lava Lamp or blow-up doll.

2. Half a block of marzipan. You can use the white marzipan, but the yellow will save you some time in the painting stage.

3. Food colouring. Red and Yellow.

4. Cake decorating pen. Black.

5. Flaked almonds.

6. Knife.

7. Preparation board.

8. A strong source of Brownian motion, like a hot cup of tea, for example.

8. Somewhere else to put the cats. Note, it is possible to do without this, but we strongly recommend it, having our efforts thwarted on several occasions by an intruding feline muzzle or the swipe of a paw.

Step One

Cut your marzipan into several smaller blocks, one each for Body, Legs, Arms, Head, Tail. You’ll want the Body to be nice and large, so use about half of your marzipan on that, and divide up the rest proportionately, roughly equivalent to the sizes shown in the photo.

Step Two

Mould the different blocks into their relevant shapes. The Body should be nice and round. (Some would say ‘fat’, but on the off-chance the Hatchling is sensitive about his weight, we elect to be more complimentary.) The Legs – divide the block into two for these (the Hatchling is not deficient in the leg department) – should be chunky and somewhat elephantine. The Tail should be good and thick and long, tapering to one end. The Arms – and again the block should be divided into two equal portions – should be substantial too and of course when shaping the digits, take care when placing the thumbs that they will reflect the appropriate right-left configurations. The Head should be small and slightly flattened, tapering to a muzzle but still substantial enough to avoid actual cuteness.

See the photo for a guide.

Step Three

Piecing the Hatchling together. This is the scary Frankenstein part, so it’s okay to be a little nervous. A steady hand will see you through and for this the occasional sip of your strong source of Brownian motion is recommended.

We attached the Legs first. The exact order is up to you. Ideally the Arms should be affixed some way back and above the shoulders, to make them secure and bulk out the upper Body. Likewise the Tail should be attached at a point just a fraction above halfway up the back of the Body, both for the right Tail length and to form a ridge along the Hatchling’s spine. The Head can then be merged with this ridge at the back with the application of any small bits of extra marzipan you happen to have at hand. (What do you mean, you’ve eaten them? Well, don’t blame us if your Hatchling looks silly.)

We’ve included a photo to illustrate what the Hatchling might look like at this stage. If nudity offends, please look away now.

Step Four

Colouring. A simple delicate touch or several with the cake decorating pen should take care of those coal-black eyes – one either side of the Head for ideal results. Then you’ll want to give him a nice not-quite-all-over coat of Orange. We used a mix of Yellow and Red, favouring the Yellow. Leave most of his belly uncoloured, or if using white marzipan, you’ll want to paint it Yellow first probably. Allow the colour to dry a little before moving onto the Red, which you’ll be needing to apply in rough sort of stripes. The longer you leave the Orange to dry, the better the contrast with the Red, we suspect. Don’t be too neat and if the Red happens to bleed over a bit, so much the better.

Step Five

Spines. Think Stegosaurus here as you deftly stick flaked almonds into the Hatchling’s back like a nutty Brutus and his cronies repeatedly stabbing a reptilian Caesar – although possibly with less force. You’ll want plenty of each flake to protrude and arrange them in a crude sort of double row all the way down to the end of the tail, selecting the smaller flakes for the top of the head.

Step Six

Stand back and admire your handiwork. Your work is done.

Remember, a Hatchling is not just for Christmas. If you’re careful and you can run fast, you may last until New Year.

This product and its manufacturer may contain nuts.

SAF

  • Vol 1 – Kindle (UK)

  • Vol 2 – Kindle (UK)

  • Vol 3 – Kindle (UK)

  • Vol 4 – Kindle (UK)

  • Signed Paperbacks

    Signed Copies Direct From The Author