Twelve Days Of Christmas Evil #3

On the Third Day of Christmas, Evil Gave To Me… Three Daft Songs!

Evil Christmas Carols! Two new and one from the archives. Everyone sing along!

First up, a ballad of the Evil UnLtd crew, to the tune of God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen.

 

Arrest these Evil gentlemen

They should be put away

For criminal behaviour

They must be made to pay

Their villainy it knows no bounds

And their idea of play

Is to kill, lay to waste and destroy,

And to destroy

Is to kill, lay to waste and destroy

*

There’s Dexter Snide, he is the boss,

He really loves to hate

Anything remotely good

On his nerves tends to grate

The only things he really loves

Are schemes upon his plate

Like to kill, lay to waste and to destroy

And to destroy

Like to kill, lay to waste and destroy

*

When there’s a need for muscle

It comes from Mr Knucks

He’ll shoot you in both kneecaps

He’ll nut you in the head

But unlike others of his type

He’s really quite well-read

Though he kills, lays to waste and he destroys

And he destroys

Though he kills, lays to waste and destroys

*

Doomladen is the scientist,

At his height you may scoff,

But every sci-fi universe

Needs its own Evil Prof,

For biowarfare and the like

To kill the heroes off

And to build war machines and deadly toys

And deadly toys

And to build war machines and such toys

*

Mr Ferret is a mystery

In his eyepatch and heels,

He is an expert torturer

In pain and suffering deals,

But often at the sight of blood

You might well hear his squeals

Hard to tell if he’s a girl or she’s a boy

Girl or a boy

Hard to tell if he’s a girl or a boy

*

Let’s not forget the Robot

Who’s bristling with guns

He’s armoured like a battle tank

And on Evil software runs

And though he is emotionless

I think he finds it fun

Just to kill, lay to waste and to destroy

And to destroy

Just to kill, lay to waste and destroy

*

The Hatchling spends much of his time

Curled up inside his shell

But when he hatches out of it,

There’s sure to be all hell

Nothing floats his boat more than

To stay out for a spell.

Just to kill, lay to waste and to destroy

And to destroy

Just to kill, lay to waste and destroy

*

So arrest these Evil gentlemen,

They really are too bad

For all the helpless innocents

You have to feel quite sad

They’ve added kidnap to their crimes

They must be a bit mad

To abduct, and to take Tanith Troy,

Take Tanith Troy

To take off with a star like Tanith Troy

SAF 2010

Next, a dedication to the heroes of the Evil universe, to the tune of Away In A Manger

Heroic Space Ranger,
No brain in your head
You stood against Evil
And now you are dead

There were other heroes
Who stood not a chance
When up against Evil
They were a bit pants

Who will save the planets
From these Evil men
Oh Lord, let it not be
Rolph Stengun again

He’s a big action hero
But lacking in sense
He’s strong as a black hole
But he is more dense.

Oh save us, please, someone
From these wretched foes
Here comes a fat guy
And a deer with red nose

Evil UnLimited
Are bad medicine
To them Santa’s fodder
Rudolph’s venison

 

SAF 2010

 

And now the oldie:

An Evil UnLtd(TM) Christmas story, to the tune of O Little Town Of Bethlehem!

A lowly band of criminals
Evil UnLimited
They thought a guy called Santa Claus
Quite fat and dim-witted
Yet in this Father Christmas
They all found quite a foe
The bastard caused an avalanche
And buried them in snow

But thanks to Evil Ro-o-bot
They melted their way clear
While in the lead, Knucks warned, “Stampede!”
A herd of fierce reindeer
Came trampling fast toward them
And broke the Hatchling’s shell
The Hatch gave each a bloody nose
And then he dined quite well

How silently, how silently
They broke in Santa’s den
“Well technically it’s a grotto,”
said Ferret to his friends.
“Don’t make me slap you sideways!”
said Dexter with a glare.
That’s when the elves detected them
And all the sirens blared!

And in the ensuing battle
The elves were cannon food
The villains’ blaster weaponry
Did batteries include
For Doomladen’s pref’rence
The plan lacked subtlety
But when they cornered Santa Claus
He said “Please don’t kill me!”

“Why would we want to kill you,
You stupid portly chap.
We want you to deliver these
Instead of toys and crap.”
So then the sleigh was loaded
and launched into the air.
That’s how they got poor Santa Claus
Involved in germ warfare.

SAF Dec 2008

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