Goyles: A Portrait

We take a look at the Goyles, a race who feature prominently in the Evil UnLtd(TM) universe.

Goyles of most varieties – Visi, Ostro, Bilio, but notably not the leaner and frankly strange Spirogoyles – have earned frequent and widespread comparison to walking planets. Not solely owing to their girth, which is considerable and obvious, but once that particular line was pursued, it was surprising how many other similarities held true. Of course, like all such things, a great deal depends on the light in which they are examined, but since the range of light in which a Goyle is best examined is severely restricted there isn’t much room for manoeuvre when it comes to proper analysis.

Goyles, then, are mostly large, although less than celestial bodies with hot liquid centres encased in a hard outer crust, often pitted and scarred by the ravages of time and frequent collisions and impacts from their fellows, which are a formative part of their culture. Their faces change with glacial speed, which lend an impression of their species as deep thinkers – an impression that fools nobody. At the northernmost extremities, the reception one gets is invariably a frosty one, while regions south of the equator suffer a great deal of abuse and neglect and if exploited to any degree, people tend to look the other way and prefer to carry on with their lives in blissful ignorance. They are also surrounded by a gaseous atmosphere and often found to be inhabited by countless pestilent lifeforms.

Carrying the analogy one stage further than strictly necessary, the Visigoyles also possess their own magnetosphere and had discovered fairly early on in their development an ability to slap chunks of metal onto their already thick, partially silicon based hides and watch them stick. Later Visigoyle dynasties saw further refinements, such as the actual shaping of these pieces of metal into segments of armour. It’s believed that if a Visigoyle relaxes his concentration too much, then the magnetism will fail and the armour would slip and slide about like a lot of tectonic plates gone berserk – or fall off altogether. This, it’s believed, is why Goyles stomp about with an expression like they’d already spent most of their day on the toilet with no tangible results. It has been described as a foul concoction of miserable, frustrated, uncomfortable and constipated.

Although, given the general inflexibility of the facial features, it is equally possible that the expression sets in from an early age and all Goyles would look much the same even outside their armour. No one has ever seen a Visigoyle in such a state of undress, however, and the galaxy’s foremost xenobiologists are not exactly queuing up to be the first in that respect.

Next: The Lonely Planet Guide To Goyle


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