LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING THAT NEEDS TO BE DESTROYED

An Evil Magazine exclusive interview with Dexter Snide.

So first of all, the topic of the moment, what’s so great about Evil UnLtd?

You’re being dense, of course? No? Well, for one thing it’s not merely a book we’re selling. This little number goes well beyond that. It’s a property, a franchise, a brand. And brands are inherently evil, pervasive, the way they creep into your lives and stamp their identities on your very existence – and therefore what we in the trade like to whimsically refer to as ‘a good thing’.

And how would Evil UnLtd – the brand – go about stamping its identity all over us, so to speak?

So to speak? You are amusing. First of all, the entire thing is structured like a trio of TV episodes, so expanding into other media will be a doddle. The logo will need sprucing up I dare say, but once that’s done, well, you can easily see it – and the cast of characters – on posters, mugs, cups, wallpaper, every imaginable object with which people clutter up their otherwise meaningless lives. I draw the line at underpants, mind you. Nobody is having my face adorning their crotch. Then there’ll be the action figures, the audio books, the big screen movie – which they’ll get completely wrong, naturally, cast all the wrong people and make some appalling script alterations – but that will manage to upset and irritate a great many fans which of course, being Evil, I am all for. It will also serve to remind people just how good the books, the TV and perhaps the radio series were and so they’ll come flooding back to seek solace in those. Spending even more money and buying even more merchandise in a frenzy of nostalgia. Whoever gets on board at this stage will make absolute heaps of money, greed will spiral healthily out of control. And Mr Ferret may even be induced to do a record ostensibly for charity, but we will see to it that the funds are diverted elsewhere. And of course they’ll all be chasing me for autographs – which I should point out, will get them shot. But the danger will merely add to the thrill of the chase, won’t it.

An altogether rosy future, wouldn’t you say?

You, er, do paint quite the picture. So why on earth should other authors and readers support Evil UnLtd?

Well, it rather depends on their worldview. Some people, whether they’re authors or plebs without a creative bone in their body, are insufferably idealistic and generous, celebrating the successes of others. Of course, those types ought to recognise a good thing when they see one and cheer it on. Hurrah etc. Whereas, the self-interested, scheming and conniving types who long to see others fall flat on their faces so that they can feel superior, well, all they need do is make sure Evil UnLtd makes it really really BIG.

Sorry, I don’t quite follow?

Of course you don’t. Luckily I had an explanation prepared for just such an eventuality. First of all, imagine how ecstatically wonderfully nauseatingly happy and full of hope the author will be when he lands that first juicy contract from a major publisher and they’re bubbling over with enthusiasm and they’re all “well, this is fantastic, it’ll sell absolute squillions of copies, we see a TV series in this, movies, merchandise, the lot.” Now against that undoubted high point, consider how he will feel as its success spirals out of control. Imagine just how devastated and disappointed he’ll be when, like all series, his precious creation goes past its best and falls from grace. Then, a few years down the road, when his franchise gets turfed over to the Hollywood bigwigs for that inevitable remake and reinvention that completely violates the characters, the continuity, the ethos and everything it stood for in a riot of miscasting and committee-driven rewrites. Picture how crushed and utterly destroyed he’ll be! He’s a sensitive creative type. It’ll finish him, I’m sure. Worth every book purchase just to see that, if you ask me.

So, um, you want Evil UnLtd to fail, but not just now?

Are you even bothering to keep up? Of course I don’t want Evil UnLtd to fail. But naturally I want the author to suffer. At heart he’s one of those basically decent and stupidly good people. But you see, what you’re not really grasping is that for me this is a win-win situation. Evil fails, author’s dreams are crushed. Hahahahaha and all that for me, between sipping cocktails and embarking on my next Evil plan. Evil succeeds, we make much moolah, the Evil UnLtd brand filters out across the media, establishing itself for future generations. Hahahahaha etc for me, between sipping more expensive cocktails and planning my Next Big Thing.

There’s a – um – twisted logic to your reasoning.

Oh you noticed. How very astute. And by the way I’m not altogether happy with the way you put you in bold and me in plain text.

Sorry Is that better?

Much. Well, thank you, I’m done with you for now. This has been great fun. I think I may pop by to comment some more later. As I said, things to do.

Read more of DEXTER SNIDE’S ‘things to do’ in Evil UnLtd(TM)

SAF

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