“Here in the desolate, volcanic wastes of [CENSORED] we may have found the homeworld of a creature of which almost nothing is really known. We can’t even establish with any certainty that it is indeed a creature.

“It’s not shy or elusive – quite the opposite – but its habit of categorising all lifeforms as either Grade Zero – beneath its contempt and therefore expendable – or Grade One – demonstrating basic sentience and therefore to be eliminated – in addition to a resolutely uncommunicative attitude – renders any attempts to study this fascinating specimen challenging, not to say deadly.

“Is it a mere robot? Does it house an alien so sinister and hideous we are never meant to prise open its armoured shell, for fear of exposing our inadequate human minds to the madness of some Lovecraftian nightmare?

“Hard to say.

“Attempts to analyse and observe its behaviour are invariably met with aggression – even at what would ordinarily be considered a safe distance – say, tracking via orbital satellite. We can at least deduce therefore that it enjoys privacy or hostility or some hitherto indeterminate measure of both.

“Here, you see our technical team attempting to establish a remote Wi-Fi connection with the creature, with a view to probing the workings of its supposedly positronic mind.

“But the scenes in our computer lab quickly descend into chaos and panic, as our software agents are met with the most sophisticated and some would say sadistic anti-viral programs ever encountered.

“Some were returned to us a piece at a time, splintered subroutines of their former selves, while still others, we have reason to believe, are being held in dark and shadowy recesses of the robotic brain and subjected to untold horrors. Experts are of the opinion that if we ever do get them back, our programs will be of little use even for routine filing.

“We know that even its associates have to act with care around the creature. In human society, we might say we have to mind our Ps and Qs. In the company of this alien machine creature, the trick to survival would appear to be a case of minding an entire obscure alphabet that, to all intents and purposes, might as well be locked up and encrypted to 2048 bit security on a hard drive that’s been dropped into a black hole.

“So, we have ventured here, to this remote and desolate planet where the raging lava flows from an angry red to positively livid orange, where the ash blots out the stars and where, it is believed, the race of machine creatures may have originated many many aeons ago.

“Where, it is rumoured, perhaps other specimens of this unique and fearful race may still exist. We have come here in search of answers. In search of – “

(The late Buzz Starstrider-Attenborough III, OBE, BsC, BBC, QED, TSB, RIP)

Catch up with Evil Robot in action in Evil UnLtd(TM)


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