Pimp My Firearm!

(Today, the spotlight falls on Mr Ferret, who turns his fashion conscious eye to that most essential of accessories for the discerning villain, the gun.)

People sometimes ask me, how do you reconcile your squeamish sensibilities with the use of weapons? To which I always answer, it’s all in the presentation, baby. Or words to that effect.

This week, we’re looking at the Burger Republic BR743-C Rapid Pulse Plasma Blaster, quite an old piece but a favourite from back in the very earliest days of the big fast food chains’ diversification into miliary equipment manufacture. The cyclic rate of fire is considerably lower than the Mocha-Cola MP29X-3000 Compact Machine Pulse-Emission Demi-Rifle, but its name and designation trips off the tongue a tad more readily and it comes with an integral suppressor, which not only cuts down on noise signature but reduces barrel overheating which, as we know, makes life a *lot* easier when it comes to suspending furry dice from the barrel. (Although do still make sure to use fairly sturdy well-insulated wire rather than thread, which will fray in no time at all in combat situations – leaving you entirely diceless.)

Anyway, for this little number, I’m recommending a hot pink laminate coating. Glow in the dark is good, but not for night stealth missions obviously. Some of you may prefer the full body rebuild, using transparent plastics for that chic see-through look, but for my mind, that’s so last year. For the showier weapons enthusiasts out there, like my colleague, Mr Knucks, who is always very keen to announce the arrival of himself and his gun, a boom box can – just about – be incorporated into the stock, but it is a little excessive for a weapon of this size and bass vibrations may throw your aim off by some margin. On the plus side, it is equipped with a laser sight so the attachment of a bobble head figure of your choice atop the gun need not interfere with your targeting as you will never have to sight along the barrel.

You’ll also want all the trimmings with this little baby, and on this occasion I would opt for a dash of streamlining chrome to nicely offset the pink. And for the finishing touch of real class, some fur on the grip and perhaps on the ammunition clip. Zebra stripe would be my choice, but you could probably get away with tiger or leopard skin. Some people prefer to go for the more endangered species, for that extra Evil touch, but if you are squeamish like me, you can go with a synthetic substitute and no one need ever know.

Remember, this little beauty packs quite a punch and anyone questioning the authenticity of your fur can easily be silenced at the pull of a trigger. Happy pimping!


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