Everyone’s talking about The X Factor.
Not to be outdone, here at Evil Magazine, we thought it would be fun to catch up with the members of Evil UnLtd and, at the risk of interrupting their busy schedule of intergalactic criminal activity, quiz them on which acts were their favourites in this year’s X Factor competition.
Must I pick one? I mean the whole sorry phenomenon is insidious trash and I couldn’t even begin to tell you how far beneath me. Of course, it’s not without its merits. I do delight in the desperation and the crushed dreams. Early on, watching the deluded no-hopers make idiots of themselves, that has a measure of entertainment value. But it only really scores points when they send home one of the genuinely talented ones. All those tears and misery, priceless. Who was that little girl? The one they called ‘adorable’. Gamu. Yes, I’d have sent forty of her home. Brilliant. Adorable? Detestable. But as for the rest, what does it matter as long as it floods the music industry with more inane ditties? You don’t even have to be a winner these days. A runner-up has just as much chance of being packaged and distributed to some pestilent tune coughed up by someone whose idea of bubblegum pop amounts to something scraped off their shoe. Ideally something insanely catchy that lodges itself permanently in millions of brains and drives half the populace up the wall. It’s to be applauded for that, but the outcome – I really couldn’t give a fig.
Evil Magazine: Go on. Please. It’s only for, you know, fun.
DS: Very well. In that case, Katie Waissel. I gather from the reports she’s a scheming, manipulative bitch, which is something to her credit, but more importantly she’s quite the public hate figure, isn’t she? Her winning could only incense the nation further, so yes, she gets my vote. Not that I’d trouble with phoning in. But I urge all of you out there, if you’ve a shred of evil in you, vote for Katie. There. Happy now?
Aiden. That guy’s real intense. Psycho singer. All he wants is a microphone in one hand, a big-ass kitchen knife in the other. Give him a shower curtain, a splash of chocolate sauce and he’s good to go.
But Evil is many different things to different people and among its often overlooked facets we must count its chick-lit credentials.
Diva Fever. I’m mortified. <Sniffs>
Oh, um, well, I guess – out of this year’s batch – I’d have to go for, ah, oh yeah, that girl band. Belle Amie. I could really make something out of them. Probably your basic femborg, nothing too challenging, but they’ve got the sort of materials I can work with. With a bit of tuning and surgically implanted MP3 players I could even get them to sing.
EM: (We’re not sure but we think we catch a glimpse of One Direction in his targeting scope.)
EM: So, Wagner, then?
Mary. The woman has an amazing voice. Plus, you know, not a whole lot going for her in the looks department. Not exactly any danger of her breaking into movies or stealing media exposure from us natural cover girls. And she’s built like a planet. It’s a short step from there to a star, isn’t it.
So there we have it. The X Factor verdict according to Evil UnLtd.
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